I'm a Gold Digger

A gold digger is just like a hooker but smarter.

Billy Mays

I love this guy's hands. I wonder if he uses the Clapper. I wonder if the products he pushes actually work? I bought one "As Seen on TV" item. I bought the Chia Pet and that thing grew mold before one leaf showed up.

Don't walk in these

$14,000 boots. I would like them. Manolo Blahnik makes em. Excruciatingly high heels and similarly painful price. Why shouldn't I have alligator boots?

Manolo Blahnik's West 54th Street boutique in New York. Is where you can buy them if you have an extra $14,000 laying around.

Polishing Pipes

Our subdivision is getting new pipes or sewers or something. Liquiforce has been here for 2 months. They work from early morning until late in the night. There are 15 huge trucks and machines that look like they're digging for oil. The stench is coming through our pipes and drains in the kitchen and bathroom. The water pressure will be strong then weak. It's annoying but not as bad as our power going out everyday. The power goes out just long enough to make every clock in the house blink 12:00. Why does everything have a digital clock attached to it?

The other day as I was driving out of the sub, there was a huge rubber drain thingy in the middle of the road. I didn't know if I could drive over it or not. I didn't want to stop the flow of whatever was flowing through. I waited until I saw someone and they said it was ok to drive over it.

Today the same rubber thingy was in the middle of the road and I drove over it. The guy waved and yelled at me.

I told him to stop turning the power off and get his rubber out of the street. He laughed like "OK, that's only the 3,478th time I've heard that."

Bills Bills Bills

I stopped paying my bills. TOO MANY hospital/doctor bills! Worker's Comp should have paid for them but never did.

The bill collectors call my house day and night. They start calling at 8:00 a.m. and don't stop until 10:30 p.m. I have never talked to one person. If the phone rings and I'm home alone I just let the phone ring. When the kids are home here is the conversation they have with the bill collectors.

Kids: Hello

Collector: Hi is Pamela home?

Kids: No, she died.

Collector: Do you know when she'll be back?

Kids: She's dead

Collector: OK I'll call later.

click

Another conversation

Kids: Hello

Collector: Is your mom home?

Kids: She left us and moved to another country

Collector: Do you know how to get in touch with her?

Kids: If I did I would tell her to pay her bills so you'd stop calling.

click

Another conversation on Sunday

Kids: Hello

Collector: Is Pamela home?

Kids: Aren't you supposed to be in church?

Collector: Hello?

Kids: Hi

Collector: Is Pamela home?

Kids: It's Sunday...aren't you going to church today?

Collector: Is Pamela there?

Kids: If I keep saying the same thing are you going to also?

A Dish of Dumb

My friend Brenda and I went out for lunch today. We went to Fishbones on Northwestern. The waitress started out trying too hard. She said she had to take the signs in at her house so they wouldn't freeze and she just stood there waiting for us to say "what signs." But we didn't. She made other comments about the signs. She was pushing the issue so we gave in and asked her. She slapped the menus down on the table and said "OH GOD! You don't think I'm a waitress do you? I'm a realtor." Brenda said "if you aren't a waitress what are you doing here?" She laughed and told us the market was bad and she had to get another job. Brenda said "then that makes you a waitress!" We laughed so hard. She laughed too. She was an airhead.

We ordered. She brought us 6 glasses of water. Because she couldn't find a pitcher. She brought the order wrong. We asked for crumbled blue cheese for our salads and there wasn't any. She gave us a dirty look and said "I told you I'm not a waitress!" So, I told her "can you get us a waitress?"

We were having fun with her by now. We would ask her all kinds of questions. We made up some words and she pretended to know what we were talking about. This chick was brain dead. I don't care how bad the market was I bet she never sold a house in her life. I bet she never passed the test. This woman was a waitress but working in the wrong joint. She could have been great at a place like White Castle or Wendy's.

The kicker was when Brenda had 2 leafs of lettuce left on her plate. Dumb asked if Brenda wanted a carry out box. I kid you not. Brenda said "Yes, I would love one!"

She wasn't wearing a name tag for obvious reasons but if she was wearing one...Fishbones would be hearing from me.

Good Goobley Goo

Remember when Grady from Sanford and Son used to say that line? "Good Goobley Goo." I've been saying it all day.

Whitman Mayo was his name. He died in May 2001 due to a hernia operation. He was a professor at Clark in Atlanta. He taught film.

My Papa's dad (my great grandfather) died of the same operation. My Papa needed the same surgery and wouldn't have it for years. He was scared and I didn't blame him.

After his surgery someone brought him a monkey stuffed animal that we named Rodney. Rodney would go with anyone that had to go into the hospital and Papa would always bring him.

Rodney died. Papa left him hanging from his rear view mirror and his face got so sunburned it cracked. His fur dried out and we threw Rodney in the garbage.

I have no idea how I got to this subject from talking about Grady's Good Goobley Goo.

I wish we had another Rodney in the family. Actually...I hope no one needs to go to the hospital. Good Goobley Goo!