The Man in the Law Suit

Times are tough. I went to my trial/mediation today. Half of the waiting room looked to be in pain and the other half looked mad as hell. The room, filled with about 100 people was silent. Not a smile in the joint. My attorney walked in the room and yelled "LARKIN!" Everyone including me jumped out of our skin. My lawyer is awesome. He's loud as hell, swears like a sailor and can get $100.00 out of a homeless man. This guy is tough and no one F's with him.

While everyone in the waiting room was wearing clothes that were ripped to shreds, every single lawyer that walked in or out was dressed in Armani, tan and wearing expensive shoes. My lawyer took me in a private room to discuss business. He said he was here to win. He's not letting us walk out without a ton of money. My other attorney walked in. He looked like the cover of G.Q. Why didn't I become an attorney? They make Armani suits for women.

We waited awhile. We sat there. We talked. We joked. Our trial was postponed.

I feel good about this tho. If these attorneys can dress like this that means they're making their clients money and lots of it.

I'm waiting. I have no choice.

The Girls in Chelsea

I was in Chelsea with Holly. She was working a hockey tournament and I went too. Last night, in the woods located in front of the Ice Arena there was a game of flashlight tag going on. It was pitch black in the woods and all we saw were lots of flashlights going everywhere.

This morning on the news two girls were found in a ditch dead.

What happened was the two girls were going for a bike ride yesterday. They never came home. The 17 year old and 7 year old were hit by a driver and appearently the driver/killer put the bodies in a ditch and kept on driving.

The mother of the two girls was on TV crying her eyes out. She thought the 7 year old was safe being with her older sister on a nice bike ride.

The police were out all night looking for these girls. That was what the flashlights were in the woods. They weren't playing tag...they were looking for the bodies.

It's on Now! Put Up Your Dukes!

Ya' got a war now sista! How many scratch marks have you had from your cats before you had to cruely rip the nails out of your cat?

Ever been waken up in the summer by howling cats in heat?

Have you ever seen a cute cat outfit?

Cat's need cat nip to make them energetic...dogs don't need drugs.

Here are 30 more reasons why dogs are WAY better:

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

11. Dogs scratch themselves - cats scratch other people…sometimes leading to stiches

12. If Dogs don’t like you, they let you know early on. Cats wait till your within striking distance 13. Barking dogs scare away burglers. Cats think burglers are another person to serve them

14. Dogs look at you as your companion. Cats look at you as their slave/toy.

15. When a dog goes to the bathroom it’s either on a cheap newspaper or out in nature

16. Cats need their own dirt imported into the house at a much higher cost

17. The fire department has rarely been called to get a dog out of a tree. Cops shouldn't be called for cats in trees they can get themselves down from the tree faster

18. You see dogs coming. Cats sneak up.

19. Dogs love going for walks on leashes. Cats will send you to the hospital for even considering it.

20. Most dogs come when you call them. Cats wait till you lose your voice and come find them.

21. Dogs are not finicky about anything.

22. Ever see a movie or a television show about a courageous cat saving a boy in a well?

23. How many shows on tv today feature a lovable cat companion.

24. Dogs don’t leave dead birds or rats on your door step…nope…they eat what they kill…

25. Dogs are WAY more affectionate than cats

26. Dogs only smell when wet, cats stink permenatly

27. Dogs are very popular

28. Dogs are loyal, cats don't care about you

29. Dogs have strength, cats rely on their razor claws

30. Dogs are only vicious if trained to be, cats are just plain mean

Must I go on?

Scoreboard:

Pam 10 - Alisa 0

Cats are Boring

Everyone is writing about cats. They're the most boring animal next to a turtle. What does a cat do that's so exciting? They shed, they're sneeky, they don't come when you call them, you have to clean their litter box, they scratch everything, they're useless...must I go on?

A dog? Now that's a pet! The greatest animal. A man's best friend. A dog is fun. You can play with a dog, dress him/her up, they bark if someone is near your house, they cuddle, you can brush them, dogs have personality and dogs are energetic. When you come home no matter what happened that day a dog will always greet you with a wagging tail and sounds of joy.

My sister has a cat that looks human. It's scarry. When I go to her house I have to wear a white nurses outfit because the cat hair gets all over my clothes. People are allergic to cats. Cats smell and cats hide.

When was the last time you took your cat for a walk or took him on a car ride? When you do your gardening, bbq'ing, washing your car or getting the mail...does your cat come with? A dog is loyal. A dog is rewarding. A dog can be a hero.

The only time I would get a cat is if I had mice in my house. Cat urine stinks and I want no part of it.

Call me when you get a real animal...a dog!

Grown and Sassy

Briana thinks she's so grown up. She went from a skinny little goofy kid to a grown up 26 year old body 15 year old. At the Obama party a guy was asking Briana for her phone number. I turned around and asked him how old he is. He told me he was 21. I said "she's 15!" He laughed. I said "nothing's funny here unless you want to go to jail...then we'll laugh our asses off." He ran away.

Last night Briana went on a date. I wasn't home so she text messaged me asking if she could go. I said yes because they've been talking on the phone and seeing each other at school for awhile. I don't think any 15 year old boy is nice. What could a 15 year old boy want with a 15 year old girl? SEX! I wish I was home to see her get ready. I would have picked out her outfit.

A pair of big ole bloomers
One pair of oversized corduroys in brown

One undershirt

One turtleneck sweater 2 sizes too big in red

One long coat

A knit hat

A pair of work boots

Would that outfit would stop a 15 year old boy? I don't think so.

This is hard work. I don't like it. I wish she was fat and ugly. It would make things so much easier for me. It doesn't matter how much you talk to a 15 year old girl...she thinks she knows more.

She's sleeping right now. Her TV is on cartoons. The simple 2 year old cartoons. She can't sleep without them on. This is an awkward age. I'm glad I lived through them and I'm sure she will too.

You Can't Get Better Than This.

This is my BFF from kindergarten. We haven't lost touch in 35 years. Not many people can say they've had a friend this long. My friend Ann will do ANYTHING for me even if it kills her. If I said "put this acid on your eyes" she would do it. I would do anything for her too. But she did one thing that I will never forget until the day I die.

We were outside in Canada. My back was killing me. I took my shoes off and put my bare feet on the floor. Hoping the coolness of the cement would travel up my back. I know it sounds dumb but sometimes it works. She brought me a chair. I have no idea where she got one from. I sat. She rubbed my back, played with my hair and told me it's going to be ok. When I was ready to get up from the chair she told me to wait a minute. She got down on the floor and wiped the bottom of my feet with her bare hands. She cleaned each toe and then put my shoes back on my feet. It's bringing tears to my eyes right now. That was the nicest gesture anyone has ever done for me. It's small but it meant so much and it still does.

I love you Ann!

Shhhh...It's Me.

I got a flat tire last week. I was driving on the spare which isn't a donut but still looks so dumb. I was embarrased to drive my car. Don't you hate your car when something goes wrong with it?

So, I called around for 1 new tire.

Option 1: $325.00 for the best

Option 2: $152.00 for the match to the other 3 tires.

I chose for option 99. That option was drive around on the spare.

My car has already cost me a brand new car in repairs. You might as well say I have a new car because almost everything in it is new. My headlight or tail light or dome light burns out once a week. The bulbs aren't cheap. Back to the tire...I figured I'd give in and get a new tire. I was tired of driving around looking like a poor, cheap peasant driving around in a Mercedes with a retarded tire. Even though I am a poor, cheap, peasant driving around in a Mercedes with a retarded tire.

I was so ashamed of driving my car with that eyesore that I even thought of buying a Burka and wearing it when I drive but I don't have pasties and a feather thong to wear underneath.

So, I called around and found a used tire for $45.00. It was the best purchase I made. I love my new tire. I love my car again. After they put the tire on I treated my car to a car wash and some gas.

Don't you just love happy endings?