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Bye Bye Neighbor

The nicest lady across the street was having money woes last winter. She was/is a real estate broker and complained how bad the market was. All summer we would see each other and chit chat and she would always tell me that she wasn't doing well but she was hanging on. She lived in her house for 20 years.

A week ago someone complained she was sleeping in her car. The police came over and spoke to Bobby. They asked if we've seen her sleeping in her car. We didn't know anything about it. She was so nice. If there was a problem we would have tried helping her. She could have slept in our house. Turns out her heat and lights were turned off.

She has 3 dogs. Two Yorkies and a huge Bull Mastif. She left the dogs in the house for a week. The police came by again and told her to take the dogs out of the house. She did.

Today there are two big pink signs on her house that read "DANGER CONDEMNED!"

I looked in her windows while I was looking at the sign (cuz I'm nosey) and the house is totally empty.

Her mailbox was so full the mail won't fit in the box anymore and it's all over everyone's lawn. Since it was windy for two days her mail has been flying around the block.

I feel bad for her. I hope she's ok.

Dubai Hotel

Ever walk onto the beach on a sunny day, only to have to hip hop your way to your towel or risk burned tootsies? It's part of a day at the beach, right? Not so, according to the designers of a new luxury hotel in Dubai, the Palazzo Versace, which will weave pipes of coolant through the sand in order to keep it cool on those hot desert days of days.The luxury hotel is set to open sometime in the next 12 - 24 months, and will use the underground cooling system plus a series of fans to keep the ultra-rich from getting overheated while they bathe in the sun. The impacts of such lavish excesses remain to be seen, but it's hard to believe the hotel's claims that the beach is "environmentally sustainable."

Prank Caller

Unlike some people...I love when people call me to play on the phone. I've had this little guy call me for the last 3 days now. He must be young because his voice has no bass in it yet. We've been having fun. Here is the latest of our conversations.

Him: It's me again. Want some phone sex?

Me: You sound like a girl. Are you sure your little pee-pee can get hard?

Him: I want to fuck you.

Me: Why me? What's wrong with your momma?

Him: If you hang up, you'll be a bitch.

Me: I am a bitch. (click)

I'm running out of things to say to this little brat. If I hang up he calls right back. If I talk to him he won't call back for a few hours.

He always calls restricted. I tell him to come on over I'm waiting on the porch for him. He doesn't know what to say back so he hangs up.

It was fun for awhile but it's getting tiring. He's just not old enough to have real phone sex.

Meet Shorty

For those of you that aren't Piston's fans this is a picture of Alan Iverson. He was at Greektown Casino tonight. Since that's my first home I saw him there. I'm not a groupie, his fan or even interested in meeting him. To me it was no big deal but the entire casino was gossiping "there's Alan Iverson!" The younger people would say "Where?" Older people would say "Who's Alan Iverson?" The waitresses were fighting to serve him and his entourage.

At the high limit table he sat with his 2 friends and a body guard that was shorter than Alan. They blocked off 2 blackjack tables on both sides of him so nobody would bother him. The casino had 2 security officers on each side of the tables.

OK, so he got all of this attention. When he stood up he was six feet tall. I was expecting some big dude but he was short and skinny with a ton of tattoos and braided hair. I wasn't impressed.

He's making good money. He shouldn't be making $3,000 bets. These young guys have gambling problems.

My casino host was telling everyone that he's been there for 4 hours and already lost $60,000. He was also was tipping the waitresses $200.00. Now that I'm impressed about! Getting a $200.00 tip for every drink you bring to 3 people is marvy!

And to think I feel bad for waitresses! HA! I'm filling out an application tomorrow.

One Big Saddle Bag

I fell this morning and now my left saddle bag has grown. I think it's filled with liquid because when I walk it wiggles...no it's not fat.

Alisa's Hunky Boyfriend

Just look at this stud. Shawn Cassidy looked like Lyle Lovett next to him. WOWZZZEEEE

Explosive Moment

Picture this. Ann and I are in a very crowded restroom. There are around 15 stalls. Women are waiting almost out the door. Finally two women come out. Ann and I go in. She goes in the 3rd stall. I go in the 14th. It is so quiet. Not one toilet flushes. No one is washing their hands. No one in line is talking. It's silent. Someone in the 9th stall had explosive diarrhea. The noise is amplified because it's so quiet. Finally, stall 9 finishes and it's back to being silent.

Ann yells out "Pam...was that you?"

My Sister

I never saw a picture of my sister looking so beautiful. I love this picture and think it totally shows the person she is.

Warm loving eyes.
Beautiful happy smile

All of the things she is.

I love and miss my sis.

Shr Ugg

There isn't one pair of Ugg boots anywhere. The kind I'm looking for is no where to be found. My daughter wore her's until there was no boot left. The zipper broke, we got them fixed, the flap on the toe was coming off, we glued it back and she wouldn't give em up. Finally, we threw them in the garbage. It was a sad day. They lasted 3 years and she wore them almost every single day. She loved them.

You have to buy Ugg boots in August. If you don't you can forget getting a pair.

My serious search is on. They aren't in the stores so I'm going to have to search the depths of China and backwoods of Taylor, Michgian to find a pair. Wish me luck.

You Know You're a Boring Person When...

...You have nothing to talk about except your dog.

Bebe takes a shower with me. He sits on the tub floor and gets the used water. I shampoo him and he cowards in the corner until it's time to rinse him off. I pick him up and let the water give him a shower to get rid of the soap. This is the part where he scratches me and I come out of the shower with welts all over my boobs.

Come Back Summer!

Bitch Betta' Have My Money!

It's no secret. I'm broke as hell. I used to work for a designer named Maurice Malone. I worked for him in the late 80's or early 90's when he was just breaking into the business. He had a warehouse loft downtown with nothing in it but bolts of material, 10 sewing machines and a very large cutting table. I went to work for him everyday for months.

He ran an ad for his jeans and leather coats in a magazine in the U.K. People would place their orders and I would sew the jackets and jeans. I worked and worked and never got paid.

Now Mr. Maurice Malone is very rich, lives in New York and married to a model. He makes furniture, eyeglasses, tons of clothing and is so couture now he can't stand himself.

He went to Oak Park High and graduated a year after I did.

I e-mailed him. Told him he owed me money. Since I couldn't get it back then I was wondering if I could have it now.

He wrote me back telling me "Do I remember you? hahahahah"

Ha Ha Ha hell! Nothing is funny about it. I wrote him back and included my address.

Bitch betta send my money! Not half - not some - but all MY money!

I'll let ya know how it worked out.

Another Bebe Story

I took Bebe to Petsmart to get Chloe some food. Bebe pee'd all over the store, tried to bite a Pomeranian and left a brown log in the dog treat section. Instead of shopping I was cleaning and apologizing all over the store. On the way out he made his final pee all over an industrial size box of Milk Bones.

The owner of the Pomeranian told Bebe he was a demon dog and growled at him.

When I paid for the food the cashier gave him a cookie and told him "good boy."

I Own a Garage

We have a beautiful 2.5 attached garage. The problem is not even the .5 part will hold a car. I once tried parking my mothers car in it and I broke the house. There is so much junk in the garage there isn't room for a molecule to float around. One time a fly went in the garage and said there was too much stuff in there. If you need anything you can find it in my garage. You need a harmonica? Yep, it's in my garage. You need 98 pairs of shoes? I got em. Looking for a table and chairs? Got em right here. I have every lawn gadget they make...you guessed it...in my garage. I have luggage, bikes, a raft, rakes, paint, turtle wax, a giant Tweety Bird from the State Fair 3 years ago and anything else you can imagine. I just wish my car would fit in there. That is what a garage is for isn't it?

We have 3 TV's and two DVD players...I won't bore you with the rest of the stuff but let's face it...I can't get rid of the junk. Garbage days have came and went. Garage sale seasons have gone by (about 4 of them) and the stuff just keeps on sitting there.

I would love to jump in my car this winter and not have to scrape the windows. I would love to get into a nice warm car. I would love to put Workmen's Comp in my car and let the engine run with the garage door closed. I can't.

Even though I am broken from toe to neck I am dedicating this week to cleaning out my garage and having a free for all via Craigslist. If there is anything you need let me know because chances are I have it. I would rather you come and get it and not a stranger.

So, if you lost a shoe on the freeway I just might have the match.

D4

Why is it that when you order chinese food they always go by a code letter and number. Here is the conversation I had with the Asian lady at Moy's.

Lady: How may I helpoo

Me: Sweet and Sour chicken

Lady: One D4, any ting else?

Me: General Tso

Lady: D3. Any ting else?

Me: Sesame Chicken

Lady: One D8 any ting else?

Me: An order of Shrimp Egg Foo Young

Lady: One C12

Then she screamed it back to the cook. (No I wasn't at Golden Bowl)

I got home and got ready to serve my family. I opened the boxes and saw D84765 and D834957.

My food had white rice instead of fried rice. I called the place and she told me to bring the food back.

I asked her if she could put my name in a book cuz I wasn't coming back there with a starving family waiting to eat.

She said "no no book. you come back I make right" I told her "no no you should make right first time." She told me "bye-bye" and hung up on me.

My First Love

Over the Thanksgiving weekend I drank something that made me fall in love with my taste buds.

My sister bought me a hot apple cider carmel whipped cream drink at Caribou Coffee. It was the best thing I've tasted in years. I can't get it out of my mind. I have to have one but it's so fattening. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating just thinking about having one. I've been having daily fights with myself.

Ann and I went to Twelve Oaks today and she went into Starbucks. I know there is nothing for me in Starbucks because I don't drink coffee. I went in with her and my eyes scanned the menu. They had the exact same drink that Caribou Coffee does. I was so happy. I didn't have a penny on me but like a junkie... I had to get that drink.

If you're totally honest don't read the rest of this post but if you're like me (a minor scammer) keep on reading...

I ordered the drink. The biggest one they had. I told the woman that my name was in 'the book' because they messed up my order last time. She said ok and asked for my name. I told her Peaches Peabody (Ann was cracking up in the background.) The woman went in the back room to look for "the book" then came out and told the guy making my drink that I didn't have to pay. How likely do you think it is that Peaches Peabody had a messed up drink order at the Twelve Oaks Starbucks?

Good Luck Sister!

I'm hoping that Alisa has a good time at the dentist today. Her plastic tooth thingy hurts my heart everytime I looked at her smile. I feel bad she has to wear it because her biggest fear in the world is having something stuck in her teeth and not knowing it.

You could make a nice salad with what get's stuck in there...minus the meat.

Let's get this ordeal over with and get you back to that beautiful smile you wear.

We can have a "get rid of the plastic tooth thingy" party and drive your car over it then throw in in Lake Michigan.

You MUST be Crazy!

Just got back from my pain doctor. He wants to give me eight shots. One in my thigh, two in my back, one in my hip, and one in my calf. Each place needs two shots. One to numb and one filled with the magic potion. The numbing shot doesn't numb the area enough because I can still feel it. I can feel the fluid running through my veins and it's not a good feeling. Needless to say...I made another appointment for that shot visit. There was no way I was going through that alone.

The pain in my leg and back is so bad I find myself not acting like myself. People have been asking me if I'm ok cuz I'm acting different. I have finally figured out that I haven't been myself lately. I'm going to change that.

Oh this post wasn't made to sound like I want pity cuz I don't. What I do want is a cheeseburger from Red Coat Tavern and a big ass bowl of their clam chowder soup. OH does that sound good right now! How much weight do you think I'll gain with that lunch?

I'll try blogging more often. I haven't been in the mood.