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Bye Bye Neighbor

The nicest lady across the street was having money woes last winter. She was/is a real estate broker and complained how bad the market was. All summer we would see each other and chit chat and she would always tell me that she wasn't doing well but she was hanging on. She lived in her house for 20 years.

A week ago someone complained she was sleeping in her car. The police came over and spoke to Bobby. They asked if we've seen her sleeping in her car. We didn't know anything about it. She was so nice. If there was a problem we would have tried helping her. She could have slept in our house. Turns out her heat and lights were turned off.

She has 3 dogs. Two Yorkies and a huge Bull Mastif. She left the dogs in the house for a week. The police came by again and told her to take the dogs out of the house. She did.

Today there are two big pink signs on her house that read "DANGER CONDEMNED!"

I looked in her windows while I was looking at the sign (cuz I'm nosey) and the house is totally empty.

Her mailbox was so full the mail won't fit in the box anymore and it's all over everyone's lawn. Since it was windy for two days her mail has been flying around the block.

I feel bad for her. I hope she's ok.

Dubai Hotel

Ever walk onto the beach on a sunny day, only to have to hip hop your way to your towel or risk burned tootsies? It's part of a day at the beach, right? Not so, according to the designers of a new luxury hotel in Dubai, the Palazzo Versace, which will weave pipes of coolant through the sand in order to keep it cool on those hot desert days of days.The luxury hotel is set to open sometime in the next 12 - 24 months, and will use the underground cooling system plus a series of fans to keep the ultra-rich from getting overheated while they bathe in the sun. The impacts of such lavish excesses remain to be seen, but it's hard to believe the hotel's claims that the beach is "environmentally sustainable."

Prank Caller

Unlike some people...I love when people call me to play on the phone. I've had this little guy call me for the last 3 days now. He must be young because his voice has no bass in it yet. We've been having fun. Here is the latest of our conversations.

Him: It's me again. Want some phone sex?

Me: You sound like a girl. Are you sure your little pee-pee can get hard?

Him: I want to fuck you.

Me: Why me? What's wrong with your momma?

Him: If you hang up, you'll be a bitch.

Me: I am a bitch. (click)

I'm running out of things to say to this little brat. If I hang up he calls right back. If I talk to him he won't call back for a few hours.

He always calls restricted. I tell him to come on over I'm waiting on the porch for him. He doesn't know what to say back so he hangs up.

It was fun for awhile but it's getting tiring. He's just not old enough to have real phone sex.

Meet Shorty

For those of you that aren't Piston's fans this is a picture of Alan Iverson. He was at Greektown Casino tonight. Since that's my first home I saw him there. I'm not a groupie, his fan or even interested in meeting him. To me it was no big deal but the entire casino was gossiping "there's Alan Iverson!" The younger people would say "Where?" Older people would say "Who's Alan Iverson?" The waitresses were fighting to serve him and his entourage.

At the high limit table he sat with his 2 friends and a body guard that was shorter than Alan. They blocked off 2 blackjack tables on both sides of him so nobody would bother him. The casino had 2 security officers on each side of the tables.

OK, so he got all of this attention. When he stood up he was six feet tall. I was expecting some big dude but he was short and skinny with a ton of tattoos and braided hair. I wasn't impressed.

He's making good money. He shouldn't be making $3,000 bets. These young guys have gambling problems.

My casino host was telling everyone that he's been there for 4 hours and already lost $60,000. He was also was tipping the waitresses $200.00. Now that I'm impressed about! Getting a $200.00 tip for every drink you bring to 3 people is marvy!

And to think I feel bad for waitresses! HA! I'm filling out an application tomorrow.

One Big Saddle Bag

I fell this morning and now my left saddle bag has grown. I think it's filled with liquid because when I walk it wiggles...no it's not fat.

Alisa's Hunky Boyfriend

Just look at this stud. Shawn Cassidy looked like Lyle Lovett next to him. WOWZZZEEEE

Explosive Moment

Picture this. Ann and I are in a very crowded restroom. There are around 15 stalls. Women are waiting almost out the door. Finally two women come out. Ann and I go in. She goes in the 3rd stall. I go in the 14th. It is so quiet. Not one toilet flushes. No one is washing their hands. No one in line is talking. It's silent. Someone in the 9th stall had explosive diarrhea. The noise is amplified because it's so quiet. Finally, stall 9 finishes and it's back to being silent.

Ann yells out "Pam...was that you?"

My Sister

I never saw a picture of my sister looking so beautiful. I love this picture and think it totally shows the person she is.

Warm loving eyes.
Beautiful happy smile

All of the things she is.

I love and miss my sis.

Shr Ugg

There isn't one pair of Ugg boots anywhere. The kind I'm looking for is no where to be found. My daughter wore her's until there was no boot left. The zipper broke, we got them fixed, the flap on the toe was coming off, we glued it back and she wouldn't give em up. Finally, we threw them in the garbage. It was a sad day. They lasted 3 years and she wore them almost every single day. She loved them.

You have to buy Ugg boots in August. If you don't you can forget getting a pair.

My serious search is on. They aren't in the stores so I'm going to have to search the depths of China and backwoods of Taylor, Michgian to find a pair. Wish me luck.

You Know You're a Boring Person When...

...You have nothing to talk about except your dog.

Bebe takes a shower with me. He sits on the tub floor and gets the used water. I shampoo him and he cowards in the corner until it's time to rinse him off. I pick him up and let the water give him a shower to get rid of the soap. This is the part where he scratches me and I come out of the shower with welts all over my boobs.

Come Back Summer!

Bitch Betta' Have My Money!

It's no secret. I'm broke as hell. I used to work for a designer named Maurice Malone. I worked for him in the late 80's or early 90's when he was just breaking into the business. He had a warehouse loft downtown with nothing in it but bolts of material, 10 sewing machines and a very large cutting table. I went to work for him everyday for months.

He ran an ad for his jeans and leather coats in a magazine in the U.K. People would place their orders and I would sew the jackets and jeans. I worked and worked and never got paid.

Now Mr. Maurice Malone is very rich, lives in New York and married to a model. He makes furniture, eyeglasses, tons of clothing and is so couture now he can't stand himself.

He went to Oak Park High and graduated a year after I did.

I e-mailed him. Told him he owed me money. Since I couldn't get it back then I was wondering if I could have it now.

He wrote me back telling me "Do I remember you? hahahahah"

Ha Ha Ha hell! Nothing is funny about it. I wrote him back and included my address.

Bitch betta send my money! Not half - not some - but all MY money!

I'll let ya know how it worked out.

Another Bebe Story

I took Bebe to Petsmart to get Chloe some food. Bebe pee'd all over the store, tried to bite a Pomeranian and left a brown log in the dog treat section. Instead of shopping I was cleaning and apologizing all over the store. On the way out he made his final pee all over an industrial size box of Milk Bones.

The owner of the Pomeranian told Bebe he was a demon dog and growled at him.

When I paid for the food the cashier gave him a cookie and told him "good boy."

I Own a Garage

We have a beautiful 2.5 attached garage. The problem is not even the .5 part will hold a car. I once tried parking my mothers car in it and I broke the house. There is so much junk in the garage there isn't room for a molecule to float around. One time a fly went in the garage and said there was too much stuff in there. If you need anything you can find it in my garage. You need a harmonica? Yep, it's in my garage. You need 98 pairs of shoes? I got em. Looking for a table and chairs? Got em right here. I have every lawn gadget they make...you guessed it...in my garage. I have luggage, bikes, a raft, rakes, paint, turtle wax, a giant Tweety Bird from the State Fair 3 years ago and anything else you can imagine. I just wish my car would fit in there. That is what a garage is for isn't it?

We have 3 TV's and two DVD players...I won't bore you with the rest of the stuff but let's face it...I can't get rid of the junk. Garbage days have came and went. Garage sale seasons have gone by (about 4 of them) and the stuff just keeps on sitting there.

I would love to jump in my car this winter and not have to scrape the windows. I would love to get into a nice warm car. I would love to put Workmen's Comp in my car and let the engine run with the garage door closed. I can't.

Even though I am broken from toe to neck I am dedicating this week to cleaning out my garage and having a free for all via Craigslist. If there is anything you need let me know because chances are I have it. I would rather you come and get it and not a stranger.

So, if you lost a shoe on the freeway I just might have the match.

D4

Why is it that when you order chinese food they always go by a code letter and number. Here is the conversation I had with the Asian lady at Moy's.

Lady: How may I helpoo

Me: Sweet and Sour chicken

Lady: One D4, any ting else?

Me: General Tso

Lady: D3. Any ting else?

Me: Sesame Chicken

Lady: One D8 any ting else?

Me: An order of Shrimp Egg Foo Young

Lady: One C12

Then she screamed it back to the cook. (No I wasn't at Golden Bowl)

I got home and got ready to serve my family. I opened the boxes and saw D84765 and D834957.

My food had white rice instead of fried rice. I called the place and she told me to bring the food back.

I asked her if she could put my name in a book cuz I wasn't coming back there with a starving family waiting to eat.

She said "no no book. you come back I make right" I told her "no no you should make right first time." She told me "bye-bye" and hung up on me.

My First Love

Over the Thanksgiving weekend I drank something that made me fall in love with my taste buds.

My sister bought me a hot apple cider carmel whipped cream drink at Caribou Coffee. It was the best thing I've tasted in years. I can't get it out of my mind. I have to have one but it's so fattening. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating just thinking about having one. I've been having daily fights with myself.

Ann and I went to Twelve Oaks today and she went into Starbucks. I know there is nothing for me in Starbucks because I don't drink coffee. I went in with her and my eyes scanned the menu. They had the exact same drink that Caribou Coffee does. I was so happy. I didn't have a penny on me but like a junkie... I had to get that drink.

If you're totally honest don't read the rest of this post but if you're like me (a minor scammer) keep on reading...

I ordered the drink. The biggest one they had. I told the woman that my name was in 'the book' because they messed up my order last time. She said ok and asked for my name. I told her Peaches Peabody (Ann was cracking up in the background.) The woman went in the back room to look for "the book" then came out and told the guy making my drink that I didn't have to pay. How likely do you think it is that Peaches Peabody had a messed up drink order at the Twelve Oaks Starbucks?

Good Luck Sister!

I'm hoping that Alisa has a good time at the dentist today. Her plastic tooth thingy hurts my heart everytime I looked at her smile. I feel bad she has to wear it because her biggest fear in the world is having something stuck in her teeth and not knowing it.

You could make a nice salad with what get's stuck in there...minus the meat.

Let's get this ordeal over with and get you back to that beautiful smile you wear.

We can have a "get rid of the plastic tooth thingy" party and drive your car over it then throw in in Lake Michigan.

You MUST be Crazy!

Just got back from my pain doctor. He wants to give me eight shots. One in my thigh, two in my back, one in my hip, and one in my calf. Each place needs two shots. One to numb and one filled with the magic potion. The numbing shot doesn't numb the area enough because I can still feel it. I can feel the fluid running through my veins and it's not a good feeling. Needless to say...I made another appointment for that shot visit. There was no way I was going through that alone.

The pain in my leg and back is so bad I find myself not acting like myself. People have been asking me if I'm ok cuz I'm acting different. I have finally figured out that I haven't been myself lately. I'm going to change that.

Oh this post wasn't made to sound like I want pity cuz I don't. What I do want is a cheeseburger from Red Coat Tavern and a big ass bowl of their clam chowder soup. OH does that sound good right now! How much weight do you think I'll gain with that lunch?

I'll try blogging more often. I haven't been in the mood.

Waited to Exhale

It's about time. I received my Greektown Casino VIP card today. It came in the mail. I knew they would be begging for me to come back.

Along with the new card they gave me $100 and a "special" gift. I pick it up on Monday.

Feels good to know they missed me...or my money.

Float On

Big Boy's had a big boy on the float.

The Cat in That Hat

I don't know what this guy was thinking when he put that hat on this morning.

This Guy is Following Me.

I see this guy everywhere I go in Detroit.

Today I asked him if he wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Da Parade in da D

Turkey Day Parade

Thanksgiving Day Parade 2008

Just Plain Ole Ugly

I hate my family room. It's ugly. It's plain, brown and boring. You have to go through the family room to get to the kitchen and it bothers me. The floor is wood and ugly. The walls are wood paneled and the furniture is boring. No that isn't a picture of my family room that I've posted.

It's not a huge room but it has lots of potential. I just don't know what to do with it to make it cozy and living roomish. I never sit in there and encourage others not to. It's depressing in there. I have a very large flat screen TV and a great stereo system in there but no desire to sit in there. I need help. I need a decorator. I want those wood paneled walls out. I want the floor gone. I want new furniture. It's not comfortable.

Anyone have a good painter they want to recommend?

Oy Vey

I'm wondering why a jewish baby boy has a public circumcision. Why is that considered a party for the family?

Smelt

My mom used to fry smelt in her electric frying pan. They stunk the whole house up. I'll admit I ate em. The thought of smelt now makes my stomach turn. Just the name "smelt" is gross rolling off my tongue. Have you ever seen smelt sushi? Catfish sushi?

What in the hell are smelt and why don't I see them in the store anymore? Are they toxic? Is that why I have a green hue?

Bundle Up!

It's the first real snow and usually at this time I would be putting on my gloves and head down to the Oak Park hill to go sledding. Our pants would turn to pure ice and noses so cold they were numb.

The Oak Park Hill was the place to be when school was called off or it was the weekend. One time Debbie Kamber and I didn't have a sled. We went to Hardee's, stole a tray and slid down the hill countless times. It really didn't matter if you had a sled or not. Once you got to the hill there were so many people you were friends with - you could use theirs.

We would slide down the hill and if the conditions were right you could coast to damn near the putt-putt course. Climbing up the hill wasn't fun. If you didn't have the right grip on your boots it would take forever to get back up.

The middle of the hill would always have an ice slick. Not many people went down this part of the hill because there was usually a hole in the middle. If you went down you would surely fly out of your sled and bust your head coming down. I know...I've seen it happen.

Walking home from the hill was no fun. After being in the cold for 6 hours, wet, nose running, tired, hungry and frozen we would have to take our clothes off at the door. My skin would be red. I couldn't feel my legs. My hair wet. I would get in the shower and defrost. It would take 3 days for my boots to dry.

I miss that hill and sledding. When I drive by the hill it isn't so big anymore. I would love to sled down it now for old times sake. I doubt my ass would fit on a Hardee's tray.

Ho Hum

I'm tired of watching The Price is Right. Drew Carey is no Bob Barker (well, duh.) He doesn't have the same flow. Drew's words aren't confident. His walk seems stiff. I miss Bob.

There isn't anything to watch on TV anymore. We got Uverse cable now and out of 2,000 channels there still isn't anything to watch. I want to go back to work.

Dancin' Shoes

I bought some new sneakers A.K.A. gym shoes. I say sneakers because that's what Run DMC calls them. They're my first pair of Adidas. They remind me of Run DMC.

When we were younger everyone said that Adidas stood for All Day I Dream About Sex.

So, my new white sneakers and I went out tonight. The shoes are so brand new and crease free I didn't even want to walk in them but I did and I stepped in Bebe's doo-doo. I rushed back in the house and cleaned them off. I don't even want them anymore. Ya know how something happens to your car then you hate your car? This happened to my shoes. I hate them now. They've been tainted.

I put them on my shoe rack and they'll sit there until I forget I stepped in dog doo.

I named my new shoes "Run DMC" which now means Run! DooDoo Might Come!

AHHHH Relaxation!

Remember I told you that Bobby got me a gift certificate to the Westin? Well, we went last night and let me tell you...pure bliss!

As great as my bed is at home, nothing beats sleeping in the Heavenly Bed and taking a long hot shower in the Heavenly bath.

Everything was spotless. The hot tub wasn't working but that's ok...just laying around in the bed and relaxing was just perfect.

We had a nice dinner, great sleep and a wonderful breakfast. I'm ready to tackle the world today.

Hairy

Women that have hairs in places that shouldn't have hairs. There are options.


Fingers: Pull them hairs out!
Tweezers: Cheap, easy to handle and you can store them in your purse.
Laser Hair Removal: Painful but burns the root. Expensive with the quickest results.
Electrolysis: Takes a few visits but with a little patience you can be hair free. Costly.
Nothing: Leave the hairs there and hope you don't grow a wart.

I've chosen Electrolysis. I was going to a woman that charges $1.00 a minute for the hair removal process. I've noticed a few hairs on my chinny chin chin and decided not to go with that look. I sit in the comfy chair, she turns the machine on, gets her magnify glass and turns up the power.

You will never see me move so fast. She sticks that needle in my hair follicle and I tighten up like a virgin on prom night. The pain is excruciating. Thank GOD I only have 7 hairs. If I had 8 I wouldn't be able to stand it. There is no pain like it. While sitting in the chair I'm thinking I would rather have quadruple bi-pass surgery awake.

Funny thing is I go to my next appointment with her. I would rather be electrocuted 7 times than have hairs on my chin.

A New Life

Good luck Heather! We're all praying for an easy delivery and healthy baby. Actually, we're all praying that Dave puts the camera and computer down long enough to at least wipe your sweaty brow.

I hope everything goes well. GOD BLESS!

Moldy

I'm scared of mold. It's everywhere but I don't want to see it. It's growing in my shower right now. It wasn't there yesterday. I'm going to spray bleach on it. Thank you.

Alisa's Arby's Lover

Brad Pitt...not so cute. Denzel Washington...not so sexy. Alisa's old boyfriend? HOT AS HELL! This guy was so cute. He looked like Rick Springfield but 90x better. He was so tall and handsome. If he was on a plate I would have sopped him up with a biscuit.

He could have sucked Arby's beef through a straw and would still have looked so sexy doing it. On his worst day he looked good. If two MAC trucks, a 18 wheeler Peterbuilt and 4 NASCAR's drove over him you could be sure he would still look picture perfect.

I wonder what he looks like today. After eating Arby's and smoking weed for 25 years I bet he looks hotter than ever.

Hello Old Friend

I've been looking for an old girlfriend for over 20 years. Last night she found me. When I saw her name asking me to become friends on Facebook I quickly accepted. My smile was so big my cheeks hurt. After talking to her for a few minutes I told Bobby, I called my sister, texted 2 friends and told my mom. I was so happy! We talked and talked. When we said our good-byes I grabbed Bebe in my arms and told him how happy I was that I found my old friend. I asked him if he was happy for me...I'm still waiting for his answer.

Since we were young and her family moved we lost touch. Nowadays you can find anyone anytime but back then you couldn't find anyone never.

So, we talked and talked and come to find out she lives 4 miles away from Alisa. I find this amazing.

I cannot wait to see my old friend.

I went to sleep with a smile on my face.

AHHH AHHH AHHH CHOOO

I'm sick. I have a cold. It started with a cough and progressed.

I can tell this cold isn't going to last long. How can I tell? Because when I took an Amoxicillin my nose opened up.

If you know me you know that when I get a cold I always get an ear infection. I have to beat this cold before it travels to my ear.

Right now I'm wearing two robes, socks and slippers, thick pajama bottoms and a thermal underwear shirt. I can cure this cold in 3 days.

Money Whores

These bastards aren't reinstating my VIP status. I've been going there for 8 years. Faithfully. I've spent hours there. I know everyone in the joint. They know me by my first name.

MGM is going to have a new player.

The casino has been my job for the past 3 years. How do you think I've been living on no income? You need 10,000 points to stay at the VIP level and I only have 6,000 points. I've been VIP for 2 years and now they're firing me. Nope, I'm firing them. My money is good at any of the other casino's.

Yeah, they'll be begging for me back. They only make $2 million a day. I'm sure my contribution will hurt them bad.

Bye bye Greektown...I won't be answering your phone calls.

I'm a Gold Digger

A gold digger is just like a hooker but smarter.

Billy Mays

I love this guy's hands. I wonder if he uses the Clapper. I wonder if the products he pushes actually work? I bought one "As Seen on TV" item. I bought the Chia Pet and that thing grew mold before one leaf showed up.

Don't walk in these

$14,000 boots. I would like them. Manolo Blahnik makes em. Excruciatingly high heels and similarly painful price. Why shouldn't I have alligator boots?

Manolo Blahnik's West 54th Street boutique in New York. Is where you can buy them if you have an extra $14,000 laying around.

Polishing Pipes

Our subdivision is getting new pipes or sewers or something. Liquiforce has been here for 2 months. They work from early morning until late in the night. There are 15 huge trucks and machines that look like they're digging for oil. The stench is coming through our pipes and drains in the kitchen and bathroom. The water pressure will be strong then weak. It's annoying but not as bad as our power going out everyday. The power goes out just long enough to make every clock in the house blink 12:00. Why does everything have a digital clock attached to it?

The other day as I was driving out of the sub, there was a huge rubber drain thingy in the middle of the road. I didn't know if I could drive over it or not. I didn't want to stop the flow of whatever was flowing through. I waited until I saw someone and they said it was ok to drive over it.

Today the same rubber thingy was in the middle of the road and I drove over it. The guy waved and yelled at me.

I told him to stop turning the power off and get his rubber out of the street. He laughed like "OK, that's only the 3,478th time I've heard that."

Bills Bills Bills

I stopped paying my bills. TOO MANY hospital/doctor bills! Worker's Comp should have paid for them but never did.

The bill collectors call my house day and night. They start calling at 8:00 a.m. and don't stop until 10:30 p.m. I have never talked to one person. If the phone rings and I'm home alone I just let the phone ring. When the kids are home here is the conversation they have with the bill collectors.

Kids: Hello

Collector: Hi is Pamela home?

Kids: No, she died.

Collector: Do you know when she'll be back?

Kids: She's dead

Collector: OK I'll call later.

click

Another conversation

Kids: Hello

Collector: Is your mom home?

Kids: She left us and moved to another country

Collector: Do you know how to get in touch with her?

Kids: If I did I would tell her to pay her bills so you'd stop calling.

click

Another conversation on Sunday

Kids: Hello

Collector: Is Pamela home?

Kids: Aren't you supposed to be in church?

Collector: Hello?

Kids: Hi

Collector: Is Pamela home?

Kids: It's Sunday...aren't you going to church today?

Collector: Is Pamela there?

Kids: If I keep saying the same thing are you going to also?

A Dish of Dumb

My friend Brenda and I went out for lunch today. We went to Fishbones on Northwestern. The waitress started out trying too hard. She said she had to take the signs in at her house so they wouldn't freeze and she just stood there waiting for us to say "what signs." But we didn't. She made other comments about the signs. She was pushing the issue so we gave in and asked her. She slapped the menus down on the table and said "OH GOD! You don't think I'm a waitress do you? I'm a realtor." Brenda said "if you aren't a waitress what are you doing here?" She laughed and told us the market was bad and she had to get another job. Brenda said "then that makes you a waitress!" We laughed so hard. She laughed too. She was an airhead.

We ordered. She brought us 6 glasses of water. Because she couldn't find a pitcher. She brought the order wrong. We asked for crumbled blue cheese for our salads and there wasn't any. She gave us a dirty look and said "I told you I'm not a waitress!" So, I told her "can you get us a waitress?"

We were having fun with her by now. We would ask her all kinds of questions. We made up some words and she pretended to know what we were talking about. This chick was brain dead. I don't care how bad the market was I bet she never sold a house in her life. I bet she never passed the test. This woman was a waitress but working in the wrong joint. She could have been great at a place like White Castle or Wendy's.

The kicker was when Brenda had 2 leafs of lettuce left on her plate. Dumb asked if Brenda wanted a carry out box. I kid you not. Brenda said "Yes, I would love one!"

She wasn't wearing a name tag for obvious reasons but if she was wearing one...Fishbones would be hearing from me.

Good Goobley Goo

Remember when Grady from Sanford and Son used to say that line? "Good Goobley Goo." I've been saying it all day.

Whitman Mayo was his name. He died in May 2001 due to a hernia operation. He was a professor at Clark in Atlanta. He taught film.

My Papa's dad (my great grandfather) died of the same operation. My Papa needed the same surgery and wouldn't have it for years. He was scared and I didn't blame him.

After his surgery someone brought him a monkey stuffed animal that we named Rodney. Rodney would go with anyone that had to go into the hospital and Papa would always bring him.

Rodney died. Papa left him hanging from his rear view mirror and his face got so sunburned it cracked. His fur dried out and we threw Rodney in the garbage.

I have no idea how I got to this subject from talking about Grady's Good Goobley Goo.

I wish we had another Rodney in the family. Actually...I hope no one needs to go to the hospital. Good Goobley Goo!