Waited to Exhale

It's about time. I received my Greektown Casino VIP card today. It came in the mail. I knew they would be begging for me to come back.

Along with the new card they gave me $100 and a "special" gift. I pick it up on Monday.

Feels good to know they missed me...or my money.

Float On

Big Boy's had a big boy on the float.

The Cat in That Hat

I don't know what this guy was thinking when he put that hat on this morning.

This Guy is Following Me.

I see this guy everywhere I go in Detroit.

Today I asked him if he wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Da Parade in da D

Turkey Day Parade

Thanksgiving Day Parade 2008

Just Plain Ole Ugly

I hate my family room. It's ugly. It's plain, brown and boring. You have to go through the family room to get to the kitchen and it bothers me. The floor is wood and ugly. The walls are wood paneled and the furniture is boring. No that isn't a picture of my family room that I've posted.

It's not a huge room but it has lots of potential. I just don't know what to do with it to make it cozy and living roomish. I never sit in there and encourage others not to. It's depressing in there. I have a very large flat screen TV and a great stereo system in there but no desire to sit in there. I need help. I need a decorator. I want those wood paneled walls out. I want the floor gone. I want new furniture. It's not comfortable.

Anyone have a good painter they want to recommend?

Oy Vey

I'm wondering why a jewish baby boy has a public circumcision. Why is that considered a party for the family?

Smelt

My mom used to fry smelt in her electric frying pan. They stunk the whole house up. I'll admit I ate em. The thought of smelt now makes my stomach turn. Just the name "smelt" is gross rolling off my tongue. Have you ever seen smelt sushi? Catfish sushi?

What in the hell are smelt and why don't I see them in the store anymore? Are they toxic? Is that why I have a green hue?

Bundle Up!

It's the first real snow and usually at this time I would be putting on my gloves and head down to the Oak Park hill to go sledding. Our pants would turn to pure ice and noses so cold they were numb.

The Oak Park Hill was the place to be when school was called off or it was the weekend. One time Debbie Kamber and I didn't have a sled. We went to Hardee's, stole a tray and slid down the hill countless times. It really didn't matter if you had a sled or not. Once you got to the hill there were so many people you were friends with - you could use theirs.

We would slide down the hill and if the conditions were right you could coast to damn near the putt-putt course. Climbing up the hill wasn't fun. If you didn't have the right grip on your boots it would take forever to get back up.

The middle of the hill would always have an ice slick. Not many people went down this part of the hill because there was usually a hole in the middle. If you went down you would surely fly out of your sled and bust your head coming down. I know...I've seen it happen.

Walking home from the hill was no fun. After being in the cold for 6 hours, wet, nose running, tired, hungry and frozen we would have to take our clothes off at the door. My skin would be red. I couldn't feel my legs. My hair wet. I would get in the shower and defrost. It would take 3 days for my boots to dry.

I miss that hill and sledding. When I drive by the hill it isn't so big anymore. I would love to sled down it now for old times sake. I doubt my ass would fit on a Hardee's tray.

Ho Hum

I'm tired of watching The Price is Right. Drew Carey is no Bob Barker (well, duh.) He doesn't have the same flow. Drew's words aren't confident. His walk seems stiff. I miss Bob.

There isn't anything to watch on TV anymore. We got Uverse cable now and out of 2,000 channels there still isn't anything to watch. I want to go back to work.

Dancin' Shoes

I bought some new sneakers A.K.A. gym shoes. I say sneakers because that's what Run DMC calls them. They're my first pair of Adidas. They remind me of Run DMC.

When we were younger everyone said that Adidas stood for All Day I Dream About Sex.

So, my new white sneakers and I went out tonight. The shoes are so brand new and crease free I didn't even want to walk in them but I did and I stepped in Bebe's doo-doo. I rushed back in the house and cleaned them off. I don't even want them anymore. Ya know how something happens to your car then you hate your car? This happened to my shoes. I hate them now. They've been tainted.

I put them on my shoe rack and they'll sit there until I forget I stepped in dog doo.

I named my new shoes "Run DMC" which now means Run! DooDoo Might Come!

AHHHH Relaxation!

Remember I told you that Bobby got me a gift certificate to the Westin? Well, we went last night and let me tell you...pure bliss!

As great as my bed is at home, nothing beats sleeping in the Heavenly Bed and taking a long hot shower in the Heavenly bath.

Everything was spotless. The hot tub wasn't working but that's ok...just laying around in the bed and relaxing was just perfect.

We had a nice dinner, great sleep and a wonderful breakfast. I'm ready to tackle the world today.

Hairy

Women that have hairs in places that shouldn't have hairs. There are options.


Fingers: Pull them hairs out!
Tweezers: Cheap, easy to handle and you can store them in your purse.
Laser Hair Removal: Painful but burns the root. Expensive with the quickest results.
Electrolysis: Takes a few visits but with a little patience you can be hair free. Costly.
Nothing: Leave the hairs there and hope you don't grow a wart.

I've chosen Electrolysis. I was going to a woman that charges $1.00 a minute for the hair removal process. I've noticed a few hairs on my chinny chin chin and decided not to go with that look. I sit in the comfy chair, she turns the machine on, gets her magnify glass and turns up the power.

You will never see me move so fast. She sticks that needle in my hair follicle and I tighten up like a virgin on prom night. The pain is excruciating. Thank GOD I only have 7 hairs. If I had 8 I wouldn't be able to stand it. There is no pain like it. While sitting in the chair I'm thinking I would rather have quadruple bi-pass surgery awake.

Funny thing is I go to my next appointment with her. I would rather be electrocuted 7 times than have hairs on my chin.

A New Life

Good luck Heather! We're all praying for an easy delivery and healthy baby. Actually, we're all praying that Dave puts the camera and computer down long enough to at least wipe your sweaty brow.

I hope everything goes well. GOD BLESS!

Moldy

I'm scared of mold. It's everywhere but I don't want to see it. It's growing in my shower right now. It wasn't there yesterday. I'm going to spray bleach on it. Thank you.

Alisa's Arby's Lover

Brad Pitt...not so cute. Denzel Washington...not so sexy. Alisa's old boyfriend? HOT AS HELL! This guy was so cute. He looked like Rick Springfield but 90x better. He was so tall and handsome. If he was on a plate I would have sopped him up with a biscuit.

He could have sucked Arby's beef through a straw and would still have looked so sexy doing it. On his worst day he looked good. If two MAC trucks, a 18 wheeler Peterbuilt and 4 NASCAR's drove over him you could be sure he would still look picture perfect.

I wonder what he looks like today. After eating Arby's and smoking weed for 25 years I bet he looks hotter than ever.

Hello Old Friend

I've been looking for an old girlfriend for over 20 years. Last night she found me. When I saw her name asking me to become friends on Facebook I quickly accepted. My smile was so big my cheeks hurt. After talking to her for a few minutes I told Bobby, I called my sister, texted 2 friends and told my mom. I was so happy! We talked and talked. When we said our good-byes I grabbed Bebe in my arms and told him how happy I was that I found my old friend. I asked him if he was happy for me...I'm still waiting for his answer.

Since we were young and her family moved we lost touch. Nowadays you can find anyone anytime but back then you couldn't find anyone never.

So, we talked and talked and come to find out she lives 4 miles away from Alisa. I find this amazing.

I cannot wait to see my old friend.

I went to sleep with a smile on my face.

AHHH AHHH AHHH CHOOO

I'm sick. I have a cold. It started with a cough and progressed.

I can tell this cold isn't going to last long. How can I tell? Because when I took an Amoxicillin my nose opened up.

If you know me you know that when I get a cold I always get an ear infection. I have to beat this cold before it travels to my ear.

Right now I'm wearing two robes, socks and slippers, thick pajama bottoms and a thermal underwear shirt. I can cure this cold in 3 days.

Money Whores

These bastards aren't reinstating my VIP status. I've been going there for 8 years. Faithfully. I've spent hours there. I know everyone in the joint. They know me by my first name.

MGM is going to have a new player.

The casino has been my job for the past 3 years. How do you think I've been living on no income? You need 10,000 points to stay at the VIP level and I only have 6,000 points. I've been VIP for 2 years and now they're firing me. Nope, I'm firing them. My money is good at any of the other casino's.

Yeah, they'll be begging for me back. They only make $2 million a day. I'm sure my contribution will hurt them bad.

Bye bye Greektown...I won't be answering your phone calls.

I'm a Gold Digger

A gold digger is just like a hooker but smarter.

Billy Mays

I love this guy's hands. I wonder if he uses the Clapper. I wonder if the products he pushes actually work? I bought one "As Seen on TV" item. I bought the Chia Pet and that thing grew mold before one leaf showed up.

Don't walk in these

$14,000 boots. I would like them. Manolo Blahnik makes em. Excruciatingly high heels and similarly painful price. Why shouldn't I have alligator boots?

Manolo Blahnik's West 54th Street boutique in New York. Is where you can buy them if you have an extra $14,000 laying around.

Polishing Pipes

Our subdivision is getting new pipes or sewers or something. Liquiforce has been here for 2 months. They work from early morning until late in the night. There are 15 huge trucks and machines that look like they're digging for oil. The stench is coming through our pipes and drains in the kitchen and bathroom. The water pressure will be strong then weak. It's annoying but not as bad as our power going out everyday. The power goes out just long enough to make every clock in the house blink 12:00. Why does everything have a digital clock attached to it?

The other day as I was driving out of the sub, there was a huge rubber drain thingy in the middle of the road. I didn't know if I could drive over it or not. I didn't want to stop the flow of whatever was flowing through. I waited until I saw someone and they said it was ok to drive over it.

Today the same rubber thingy was in the middle of the road and I drove over it. The guy waved and yelled at me.

I told him to stop turning the power off and get his rubber out of the street. He laughed like "OK, that's only the 3,478th time I've heard that."

Bills Bills Bills

I stopped paying my bills. TOO MANY hospital/doctor bills! Worker's Comp should have paid for them but never did.

The bill collectors call my house day and night. They start calling at 8:00 a.m. and don't stop until 10:30 p.m. I have never talked to one person. If the phone rings and I'm home alone I just let the phone ring. When the kids are home here is the conversation they have with the bill collectors.

Kids: Hello

Collector: Hi is Pamela home?

Kids: No, she died.

Collector: Do you know when she'll be back?

Kids: She's dead

Collector: OK I'll call later.

click

Another conversation

Kids: Hello

Collector: Is your mom home?

Kids: She left us and moved to another country

Collector: Do you know how to get in touch with her?

Kids: If I did I would tell her to pay her bills so you'd stop calling.

click

Another conversation on Sunday

Kids: Hello

Collector: Is Pamela home?

Kids: Aren't you supposed to be in church?

Collector: Hello?

Kids: Hi

Collector: Is Pamela home?

Kids: It's Sunday...aren't you going to church today?

Collector: Is Pamela there?

Kids: If I keep saying the same thing are you going to also?

A Dish of Dumb

My friend Brenda and I went out for lunch today. We went to Fishbones on Northwestern. The waitress started out trying too hard. She said she had to take the signs in at her house so they wouldn't freeze and she just stood there waiting for us to say "what signs." But we didn't. She made other comments about the signs. She was pushing the issue so we gave in and asked her. She slapped the menus down on the table and said "OH GOD! You don't think I'm a waitress do you? I'm a realtor." Brenda said "if you aren't a waitress what are you doing here?" She laughed and told us the market was bad and she had to get another job. Brenda said "then that makes you a waitress!" We laughed so hard. She laughed too. She was an airhead.

We ordered. She brought us 6 glasses of water. Because she couldn't find a pitcher. She brought the order wrong. We asked for crumbled blue cheese for our salads and there wasn't any. She gave us a dirty look and said "I told you I'm not a waitress!" So, I told her "can you get us a waitress?"

We were having fun with her by now. We would ask her all kinds of questions. We made up some words and she pretended to know what we were talking about. This chick was brain dead. I don't care how bad the market was I bet she never sold a house in her life. I bet she never passed the test. This woman was a waitress but working in the wrong joint. She could have been great at a place like White Castle or Wendy's.

The kicker was when Brenda had 2 leafs of lettuce left on her plate. Dumb asked if Brenda wanted a carry out box. I kid you not. Brenda said "Yes, I would love one!"

She wasn't wearing a name tag for obvious reasons but if she was wearing one...Fishbones would be hearing from me.

Good Goobley Goo

Remember when Grady from Sanford and Son used to say that line? "Good Goobley Goo." I've been saying it all day.

Whitman Mayo was his name. He died in May 2001 due to a hernia operation. He was a professor at Clark in Atlanta. He taught film.

My Papa's dad (my great grandfather) died of the same operation. My Papa needed the same surgery and wouldn't have it for years. He was scared and I didn't blame him.

After his surgery someone brought him a monkey stuffed animal that we named Rodney. Rodney would go with anyone that had to go into the hospital and Papa would always bring him.

Rodney died. Papa left him hanging from his rear view mirror and his face got so sunburned it cracked. His fur dried out and we threw Rodney in the garbage.

I have no idea how I got to this subject from talking about Grady's Good Goobley Goo.

I wish we had another Rodney in the family. Actually...I hope no one needs to go to the hospital. Good Goobley Goo!

The Man in the Law Suit

Times are tough. I went to my trial/mediation today. Half of the waiting room looked to be in pain and the other half looked mad as hell. The room, filled with about 100 people was silent. Not a smile in the joint. My attorney walked in the room and yelled "LARKIN!" Everyone including me jumped out of our skin. My lawyer is awesome. He's loud as hell, swears like a sailor and can get $100.00 out of a homeless man. This guy is tough and no one F's with him.

While everyone in the waiting room was wearing clothes that were ripped to shreds, every single lawyer that walked in or out was dressed in Armani, tan and wearing expensive shoes. My lawyer took me in a private room to discuss business. He said he was here to win. He's not letting us walk out without a ton of money. My other attorney walked in. He looked like the cover of G.Q. Why didn't I become an attorney? They make Armani suits for women.

We waited awhile. We sat there. We talked. We joked. Our trial was postponed.

I feel good about this tho. If these attorneys can dress like this that means they're making their clients money and lots of it.

I'm waiting. I have no choice.

The Girls in Chelsea

I was in Chelsea with Holly. She was working a hockey tournament and I went too. Last night, in the woods located in front of the Ice Arena there was a game of flashlight tag going on. It was pitch black in the woods and all we saw were lots of flashlights going everywhere.

This morning on the news two girls were found in a ditch dead.

What happened was the two girls were going for a bike ride yesterday. They never came home. The 17 year old and 7 year old were hit by a driver and appearently the driver/killer put the bodies in a ditch and kept on driving.

The mother of the two girls was on TV crying her eyes out. She thought the 7 year old was safe being with her older sister on a nice bike ride.

The police were out all night looking for these girls. That was what the flashlights were in the woods. They weren't playing tag...they were looking for the bodies.

It's on Now! Put Up Your Dukes!

Ya' got a war now sista! How many scratch marks have you had from your cats before you had to cruely rip the nails out of your cat?

Ever been waken up in the summer by howling cats in heat?

Have you ever seen a cute cat outfit?

Cat's need cat nip to make them energetic...dogs don't need drugs.

Here are 30 more reasons why dogs are WAY better:

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

11. Dogs scratch themselves - cats scratch other people…sometimes leading to stiches

12. If Dogs don’t like you, they let you know early on. Cats wait till your within striking distance 13. Barking dogs scare away burglers. Cats think burglers are another person to serve them

14. Dogs look at you as your companion. Cats look at you as their slave/toy.

15. When a dog goes to the bathroom it’s either on a cheap newspaper or out in nature

16. Cats need their own dirt imported into the house at a much higher cost

17. The fire department has rarely been called to get a dog out of a tree. Cops shouldn't be called for cats in trees they can get themselves down from the tree faster

18. You see dogs coming. Cats sneak up.

19. Dogs love going for walks on leashes. Cats will send you to the hospital for even considering it.

20. Most dogs come when you call them. Cats wait till you lose your voice and come find them.

21. Dogs are not finicky about anything.

22. Ever see a movie or a television show about a courageous cat saving a boy in a well?

23. How many shows on tv today feature a lovable cat companion.

24. Dogs don’t leave dead birds or rats on your door step…nope…they eat what they kill…

25. Dogs are WAY more affectionate than cats

26. Dogs only smell when wet, cats stink permenatly

27. Dogs are very popular

28. Dogs are loyal, cats don't care about you

29. Dogs have strength, cats rely on their razor claws

30. Dogs are only vicious if trained to be, cats are just plain mean

Must I go on?

Scoreboard:

Pam 10 - Alisa 0

Cats are Boring

Everyone is writing about cats. They're the most boring animal next to a turtle. What does a cat do that's so exciting? They shed, they're sneeky, they don't come when you call them, you have to clean their litter box, they scratch everything, they're useless...must I go on?

A dog? Now that's a pet! The greatest animal. A man's best friend. A dog is fun. You can play with a dog, dress him/her up, they bark if someone is near your house, they cuddle, you can brush them, dogs have personality and dogs are energetic. When you come home no matter what happened that day a dog will always greet you with a wagging tail and sounds of joy.

My sister has a cat that looks human. It's scarry. When I go to her house I have to wear a white nurses outfit because the cat hair gets all over my clothes. People are allergic to cats. Cats smell and cats hide.

When was the last time you took your cat for a walk or took him on a car ride? When you do your gardening, bbq'ing, washing your car or getting the mail...does your cat come with? A dog is loyal. A dog is rewarding. A dog can be a hero.

The only time I would get a cat is if I had mice in my house. Cat urine stinks and I want no part of it.

Call me when you get a real animal...a dog!

Grown and Sassy

Briana thinks she's so grown up. She went from a skinny little goofy kid to a grown up 26 year old body 15 year old. At the Obama party a guy was asking Briana for her phone number. I turned around and asked him how old he is. He told me he was 21. I said "she's 15!" He laughed. I said "nothing's funny here unless you want to go to jail...then we'll laugh our asses off." He ran away.

Last night Briana went on a date. I wasn't home so she text messaged me asking if she could go. I said yes because they've been talking on the phone and seeing each other at school for awhile. I don't think any 15 year old boy is nice. What could a 15 year old boy want with a 15 year old girl? SEX! I wish I was home to see her get ready. I would have picked out her outfit.

A pair of big ole bloomers
One pair of oversized corduroys in brown

One undershirt

One turtleneck sweater 2 sizes too big in red

One long coat

A knit hat

A pair of work boots

Would that outfit would stop a 15 year old boy? I don't think so.

This is hard work. I don't like it. I wish she was fat and ugly. It would make things so much easier for me. It doesn't matter how much you talk to a 15 year old girl...she thinks she knows more.

She's sleeping right now. Her TV is on cartoons. The simple 2 year old cartoons. She can't sleep without them on. This is an awkward age. I'm glad I lived through them and I'm sure she will too.

You Can't Get Better Than This.

This is my BFF from kindergarten. We haven't lost touch in 35 years. Not many people can say they've had a friend this long. My friend Ann will do ANYTHING for me even if it kills her. If I said "put this acid on your eyes" she would do it. I would do anything for her too. But she did one thing that I will never forget until the day I die.

We were outside in Canada. My back was killing me. I took my shoes off and put my bare feet on the floor. Hoping the coolness of the cement would travel up my back. I know it sounds dumb but sometimes it works. She brought me a chair. I have no idea where she got one from. I sat. She rubbed my back, played with my hair and told me it's going to be ok. When I was ready to get up from the chair she told me to wait a minute. She got down on the floor and wiped the bottom of my feet with her bare hands. She cleaned each toe and then put my shoes back on my feet. It's bringing tears to my eyes right now. That was the nicest gesture anyone has ever done for me. It's small but it meant so much and it still does.

I love you Ann!

Shhhh...It's Me.

I got a flat tire last week. I was driving on the spare which isn't a donut but still looks so dumb. I was embarrased to drive my car. Don't you hate your car when something goes wrong with it?

So, I called around for 1 new tire.

Option 1: $325.00 for the best

Option 2: $152.00 for the match to the other 3 tires.

I chose for option 99. That option was drive around on the spare.

My car has already cost me a brand new car in repairs. You might as well say I have a new car because almost everything in it is new. My headlight or tail light or dome light burns out once a week. The bulbs aren't cheap. Back to the tire...I figured I'd give in and get a new tire. I was tired of driving around looking like a poor, cheap peasant driving around in a Mercedes with a retarded tire. Even though I am a poor, cheap, peasant driving around in a Mercedes with a retarded tire.

I was so ashamed of driving my car with that eyesore that I even thought of buying a Burka and wearing it when I drive but I don't have pasties and a feather thong to wear underneath.

So, I called around and found a used tire for $45.00. It was the best purchase I made. I love my new tire. I love my car again. After they put the tire on I treated my car to a car wash and some gas.

Don't you just love happy endings?

Buh Bye Bush

Briana and Shriek

So Much Fun!

Tony stunk like he was sprayed by 33 skunks and hasn't taken a shower in 28 days. This isn't one of my best pictures. You can see I have all of my teeth and healthy gums. Looks like I have a double chin too.



The Obama party was FUN! I don't have a voice left. 1,000's of people turned out for the party. We all screamed, cheered and hugged each other. This is a picture of Tony and I. I don't know Tony. Never met him in my life but during the entire victory party he wouldn't stop shouting "free at last!"



I don't know where he thought he was but he was happy as hell.

I hope he went home tonight and took a long hot congratulatory bath.

He is the head of the Mexican UAW. UAW to him must mean Unable to Armpit Wash.

I Voted for Change!

Kwame's Big Mouth Mamma

Out of the mouth of Kwame's mom..."Ya'll gonna let em talk about chaws boy?"