Hot Chicks Dig Obama

I'm so exited I can hardly contain myself! My husband got 2 tickets to the election night party in the Mackinac Ballroom. He has to work that night so I'm taking Briana. It's history and she should see it. I don't think I would want to share that moment with anyone else with the exception of my husband.

My oldest daughter is so in love with her boyfriend she wouldn't be interested in attending because he wouldn't be able to go.

My little Briana is like me anyway. We're crazy and have fun together. We both have a passion for dressing up and looking like rich bitches. When we have a day together she gets dressed in her room and I get dressed in mine. When we both emerge we check each other out and head out the door bling and all. I call her "Mini Me."

Mini Me and real me will have dinner somewhere and then go to the party. She doesn't know she's going yet. I can't wait to tell her!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Bebe is going to wear a costume tonight. I miss the kids being little and dressing them up so, Bebe is gonna fill the void.

He's going to be a diva.

Pork n Beans

At the State Fair there is a pig exhibit. I walked into the very large building it was in. I threw up. The smell was so bad. I've never thrown up by just smelling something.

Just thought I'd share because I had a pig dream and now I am sick to my stomach.

Happy Devils Night!

When I was younger Devil's Night was the best night of the year. My friends and I would egg someone's house, TP some trees and whatever else that was harmless to the other person but fun to us.

We never set houses on fire. We never even thought about it. Getting a dozen eggs was exciting enough.

I can't wait to listen to the news tonight. There are so many homes in foreclosure and so many business's doing bad. I'm expecting to see a ton of arsons on the news.

When your insurance goes up because people want to blow their cars up because they can't afford the payments...don't blame me. If you see egg on your car...blame me.

I'd Like One

This is what a 5 million dollar bra looks like!

Victoria Secret has gone mad. Anyone that buys this bra should be taken to the nearest mental clinic (unless you're buying it for me.)

Ok, who would need a $5 million dollar bra? Who would see it? How comfortable would a diamond bra be? A barbed wire bra would be lighter and a lot cheaper. The bra doesn't even contain her boobies. How do you wash a $5 million dollar bra? When would you wear it? Where do you keep it when you aren't wearing it? If you got into a car accident and they had to rip your blouse open to give you emergency medical attention and ripped your $5 million dollar bra how would you feel? How much is it to insure a bra like this?

Things I could buy instead of buying a $5 million dollar bra:
-A small country
-A very large house with 60 Maybach's and 42 Bentley's
-93 billion k-mart bra's

She isn't even pretty enough to be wearing a 5 million dollar bra. I don't think Angelina Jolie is pretty enough...there isn't anyone pretty enough.

Takin' Care of Business

I am dedicating today to my house. I will dust, polish, vaccuum, wash and pick up everything. I will not be on the computer. I will not be on the phone. I will turn on the radio and get into cleaning mode. I will not stop until I am done. After my cleaning is done I will cook dinner. When dinner is done I will sit back and relax and wait for the kids to come home so they can mess it up again.

Delish for Dogs?

Bebe can't eat regular ole dog food. I have to make his food. Sometimes he eats better than we do. He throws up if he eats dog food.

Bebe's menu is getting rather expensive and he's getting very fat. He needs dog food for his own well being. I've bought him the most expensive dog food and I've bought him the best dog food. Nothing agree's with him.

Rachael Ray has a line of dog food (the crunchy kind) and all over the bag it says it's natural blah blah blah...

I bought it. One small bag for $13.00. I gave it to Bebe. He threw up 3 times instead of once and pooped all over the house.

He's so cute. I can't be mad at him. I'm mad at Rachael Ray.

Gratiot Central Market

Fall is my favorite season. To me - It's the best time to go to the Eastern Market. The air is crisp and cool. The stores are crowded and smelling good. The food may not be from local farmers but it's still just as yummy as in the summer.

I love Gratiot Central Market. You can see the meat before it's packaged and you can pick the exact piece you want without the counter person hemming and hawing because you're taking too long. They're so patient and helpful. There's a guy that works at the chicken counter and he is such a cutie. He's about 25, has a buzz cut, beautiful blue eyes and the most charming smile. When I get my chicken from him he will always carry my bags to the car no matter how busy they are. I always tip him. There must be 1,000's of people that come through there between the times I visit but he always remembers me.

I think I'll pay him a visit. My freezer is chickenless and my eyes would love to see him. If I was 25 again he would be mine! Salmonilia and all!

Yet Another Candy Apple Story

I was entered into a slot tournament at the casino. They gave out halloween candy to all of the participants and the casino workers wore costumes. Kinda dumb because everyone in the casino is 21 and over. I thought it was stupid. Pumpkins and flowers were everywhere and they played the dumb Halloween music. I guess the tournament was Halloween themed. To me...it was a waste of money. My money.

I lost in the tournament. They picked 50 of the top scorers to give cash prizes to. I didn't make it in the top 50.

What I did get was a candy apple.

I love candy apples.

My grandfather would buy them for me when I was younger but he called them "Apple Suckers." My mom calls them apple suckers too.

I told my mom. If candy is on a stick it's called a sucker. If an apple is on a stick it's an apple sucker but if meat is on a stick it's called shish-kabob not a meat sucker.

Look Rich

HELLO!

My neice called me today to tell me she's getting a cell phone. She was so happy for herself and the entire store at Toys R Us was happy for her too. I was so happy for her I think I might have congratulated her a little too loudly. It's ok. People smiled at me and pointed and said "awww look at that deaf slow person."

It brought back fond memories of my first cell phone. It was very large. You couldn't take a picture or text with it. You could barely finish a sentance without being disconnected. I had dropped calls left and right and got 25 minutes a month. We've come a long way.

During our conversationshe told me that I'm going to be the first person she calls when she gets it. I know I'm a cool aunt and she just made me feel 400% times cooler.

She just called me a second ago. My little 10 year old neice told me she would call me right back because her battery is low and she has to plug it in the car charger and will call me back. I wonder why they gave a 10 year old a car charger. They should have given her a bluetooth so she could look at least 12.

The New Name!

Thanks to all that submitted names to me for my new business venture. After careful consideration I've decided to name my company

"Team Bling."

I liked "Nuttin' but a Button" but I'm going to sell keychains too.

Now I need everyone to get out there and find me places to sell!

Just joking.

I Love This Man!

Ever hear a song that no matter how loud it is you want it louder? Today while driving I heard a song I haven't heard in SOOOO long. It's Phil Collins "Inside Out." That song makes my ears smile. It's beautiful and Phil sings so smooth. It's nice and bassy and drummy.

I came home and downloaded it from MP3 Rocket (yep I steal songs too) and I keep listening to it over and over. The song just goes into my soul.

I don't know about you guys but I haven't been in touch with my Phil Collins side for quite awhile. My own radio stations in my car aren't mine anymore. My kids have taken over the buttons.

I am in the process of downloading every single Phil Collins/Genesis song that I personally like and gonna make a CD and kill my kids with it next time we get in the car together.

I like when we're in the car together on a nice long trip and I have all of my homemade CD's loaded. I play the same songs I like over and over and they eventually start singing to them. They know all of the words to many "old nerd" songs and it's funny they start singing them out of the blue.

I'm going to start implanting Phil Collins into their brains. Better than them listening to songs that say...

...Hit the bitch and take her money
...fuck the hoe and throw her out the doe
...Beat the pussy up
...Smokin that good shit
and me and Dennis's favorite...sippin on some Sizurp.

First Job

First Job

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock..."

Dave, Did you take this picture?

Gotta love those shoes on Obama!

Help!

Everyone that reads my blog seems like very crafty and creative people. So, I'm asking for your help.

I'm going into business making pins a.k.a. buttons and keychains for various sport leagues.

Anyone have a catchy name for my business?

Thanks!

Guess My Age

I decided to have a facelift for my 40th birthday. I spent $5,000 and feel pretty good about the results. On my way home, I stop at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving I say to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 40," I say happily.

A little while later I go into McDonald's and ask the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." I reply, "Nope I'm 40." Now I'm feeling really good about myself. I stop in a drug store on my way down the street. I go up to the counter to get some mints and ask the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again, I proudly respond, "I am 40, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, I ask an old man waiting next to me the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." We wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of me. I finally blurt out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under my blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes my breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, I say, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of my breasts, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 40." Stunned and amazed, I say, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?" "I promise! I won't" I say. He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

SUSPENDED!

My career as an Ebay'er has ended. I've been suspended for the 3rd time. This was the last and final attempt to correct my bad behavior. I hated Ebay anyway. It was fun and easy when it first started but now there are too many rules. If you know me...you know I don't like or follow rules.

First time I was banned from Ebay for selling jeans that they said were "designer fakes." The second time I got suspended and then banned for the same thing.

This last time I got suspended and will be banned because I opened another account and they traced me back to the other 2 banned accounts.

They'll need me before I need them. That's my attitude. I'm sticking with it.

PISTONS TICKETS

Anyone want 2 tickets to see the Pistons play the Cleveland Cav's? I have two tickets for tonights game. You just gotta pick them up.

DEEEE-TROOOITTT BAAAAASKETBALLLLL

This is a True Story! I Know - I Couldn't Believe it Too!

11:30 p.m. My mom and I were waiting for valet to bring our car . While waiting a taxi was dropping off 2 young ladies and the taxi bill was only $6.50. They paid and headed in. They were laughing, dressed nice and obviously having a good time.

My mom and I got home. Decided to go back to the casino. We put some more money in our wallets and headed back. Strange huh?

While I was playing Keno one of the young ladies was sitting next to me. We started talking. Everyone that sits next to each other at Keno eventually starts talking. It's a game you sit at for a long time. She started complaining and hitting the machine. "OH COME ON!" she would say after pushing the button. I said to her "These machines aren't paying tonight!" She said "Yeah, I have to win at least 20 dollars." I told her "I have to win at least $1,000." (a little Keno joke.) I laughed. She said "No, I'm serious...If I don't win $20.00 I don't know how I'm getting home." I said "Well, come on and win then!"

Time went by we were still playing. Her friend came over to her and asked if she made money to get home yet.

Her girlfriends cell phone rang and this is what I found out.

They don't own a car. To get to the casino from where they live via taxi would be $37.00. Since that would cut into their casino money she pretended to be sick. She called an ambulance from home, the ambulance took them to Receiving Hospital. Once they were there and the ambulance drivers left they hurried out of the hospital, jumped into a cab and for only $6.50 got a ride to the casino. All thanks to Medicaid.

Now, who has a gambling problem?

Games

After just reading Dave's blog it reminded me of the days when my sister and I shared a room. I admit - growing up with her wasn't so bad. At night we had fun times. We would get tucked in and the lights would be turned out. That's when the fun would begin. My sister and I would play games. Some of the games we would play were houseboat, spelling tests, tickle a letter on the other person's back to figure out what letter it is and what was the odd markings of dark colored wood on the closet door. Don't ask. I don't describe things good.

During the day we would have fun too. We had games like "fifth floor please" when my sister would lay down on the floor on her back and I would stand on her hands and she would lift me. We would laugh so hard. I would love to play that game with her now. HA HA HA

She would play Monopoly with me. I didn't know the value of money. If I owed her fifty dollars she would say give me a blue one.

Our Papa gave us a tape recorded and my sister and I would sit by the HiFi and record Casey Kasem's Top 40 songs and dance our little hearts out. That same tape recorder gave us hours of fun doing "INTERVIEWS!" Again...don't ask.

When our cousins would come over we would all go downstairs and play in our basement. We would tip the toy box over and do magic shows. It was a real treat when our cousins would come over or we would go to their house. Some of the best times were held at Bubbie and Papa's house. They had a clown figurine. That thing scared everyone. It had a devilish grin on its face. It was see through with all sorts of colors running through it and looked wicked. Whenever we would sleep at Bubbie and Papa's house we would make Bubbie take it out of the room.

Upstairs in the attic at Bubbie and Papa's house - Papa had a poster of a naked woman (I think just her boobs were showing) and we weren't allowed upstairs. We would sneek up there anyway. Bubbie used to keep games on the attic stairs so we didn't have to go up there to get them. The house was in Detroit. One day we were playing Tug of War with the garden hose with the kids that lived next door. It was fun until Bubbie told us not to play that anymore. Why? Not because we might break her hose but because the kids next door were black.

Grow Up!

Didn't you do this in the 3rd grade?

Now that Hurt!

Today was the worst day of pain in my natural born life. I've waited 40 years to experience it. I have NEVER in life felt so much pain before. I think getting all of my teeth pulled minus a numbing shot then getting my eyes ripped out of my head with pliers and going through a woodchipper while I was on fire would have felt better.

I went to the pain clinic. The place you go to so you won't be in pain. Who said "No pain...no gain?" I want to kill them. The title "Pain Clinic" is no joke. They do give you pain.

It's bad enough to know what you're going in there for but even worst that they make you wait. You sit in the waiting room for 30 minutes and then pay them to make you feel worst than when you walked in.

Today I had 4 pain shots right in my spine. Usually I only get two. Today I ripped the table off the legs. I think I kicked the doctor. I tore the paper pillow into confetti. All while the doctor was saying "just relax." HA! The nerve of him! I asked him if he ever got 4 shots in his spine and he said "no." I told him to try it and see if he could relax. He rubbed my hair. Stroked my back. Told me to relax and open my eyes but no matter what you say or do...it's going to hurt. No, it's going to KILL! I thought I had a heart attack because when I got up my chest hurt. I couldn't walk. I had to lay there. The needle isn't whimpy and they inject a lot of medicine into me. Medicine that will only last for 3 days. Is it worth it? You bet your sweet ass it is. Being pain free for 3 days is a big deal for me and if it takes one entire day of recovery for those three days...I take it.

So, each time he injects the medicine into me I can feel the fluid running through my veins down to my toes. VERY irratating feeling.

Well, that's over and I'm home recovering - waiting for tomorrow so I can be pain free. My next appointment is December 1st and I'll go through the same thing again. I'm going to buy brass knuckles and steel toe boots. That should make the doctor think twice.

Guys- Please Tell Me This Isn't You!

Guys, are you guilty of any of the following behavioral blunders?

-You order foreign dishes in an accent

-You have a downloaded ring tone

-You wave someone along even though they have the right of way

-You put your Blackberry on the table when you sit down at a restaurant

-You talk baby talk to your wife/girlfriend

-You order "off-menu"

-You say "My bad"

-You say "we're pregnant"

-You make a show out of tasting wine

-You don't wash last night's admission stamp off your hand

-You use abbreviations like "TBD, ASAP and BDF in conversations and sign off e-mails with "thx" or "cheers"

-You say "I need my Starbucks"

-You refer to the woman you're casually hooking up with as a "friend with benefits"

-You call friends and colleagues by their last names

-You include the names of your kids and pets in your home outgoing message

-You refer to money as "Benjamins" "dead presidents" "ducats" or "coin"

-You bitch about your contractor at parties

-You half tuck your shirt

-You're a Caucasian with a tattoo in asian lettering

-You Evite

-You pretend to like country music

-You use a Bluetooth headset

Come on in!

Holly had her host family in Israel and they were rich. They lived in a brand new house. The house didn't have any doors. There wasn't stealing or rain in Israel so the need for doors was useless. They didn't even have windows or screens. There were shades that you could pull down when it got too sunny. The house was a nice big brick one with their own banana tree in the back and a live chicken as a pet.

The bathroom in that house had a toilet, sink and a shower. The shower was just a shower head coming from the wall and a drain. No curtain and no tub. You just took your shower and squeegied the floor. The water would dry up in minutes because it was so hot there. You weren't allowed to take baths or have ice because those were considered a waste of water.

Holly's mom (host family mom) used to iron Holly's underwear and socks. I got stuck with the poor people and used to stay at Holly's host family as much as I could.

Her family would make breakfast in the morning and we would all eat outside in the back where they had a nice patio set and great breakfast. Fresh fruits, homemade orange juice, muffins and great jellies.

After we were done having breakfast we were all sitting in the living room and a donkey walked in. This was nothing to them. They didn't even look at it. They just kept on talking. If there is a fly in my house we all go crazy and try to kill it. A donkey is another story. Hard to kill a donkey with a fly swatter or shoo him away.

The donkey smelled around. Walked around and left. The kids playing in the street jumped on the donkey and was riding him up and down the block. This was normal to them.

So, chickens as a pet, camels walking around and a donkey roaming the streets is nothing new to the Israelis. I find this strange.

Driving While Speaking English

You cannot purchase cigarettes on Friday night or Saturday in Israel. It's like trying to buy crack from McDonalds. VERY against the law.

There was an undercover cigarette house outside of the city we were staying at. The brother of the host Israeli family I was staying with had a car. He gave me the keys and told me where to go to buy the hush hush cigarettes for Holly. Holly and I were in the car driving and following the directions. The police had their sirens on behind me. I did something wrong but I had no idea what it was. I must have went through the stop sign that I didn't know was a stop sign.

The police got out of his car and came to my side of the door. I pulled out my American license and passport. He was talking in Hebrew. I didn't understand him. He didn't understand me. He looked at my license and passport. He couldn't read english. He got in his car and drove away. I waited thinking the was going to bring back someone to talk to me in english but he never came back.

Quit Stealing my Underwear

When staying in a youth hostel you can send your clothes to get washed two times a week. In Israel we sent our clothes to get washed. It took 2 days to get them back. One time I sent shirts, shorts, socks and underwear to the laundry. You put your stuff in a big bag, write your name on it and wait. I'm still waiting.

My clothes came back. I got back one pair of underwear, two shirts and a pair of shorts. No socks. They stole my clothes. They love American's clothes.

By the end of my trip I didn't even need a suitcase to carry my one pair of underwear in and the clothes that were on my back. Everywhere we went someone would steal our clothes. That poor one pair of underwear that was left was washed in the sink and dried within eyesight at night.

Paratroopers

When I was in Israel - I was a bad bad girl. I was 17, with my best friend and never been out of the country before. I had to make sure I left my mark.

We went to Club Med in Elat (pronounced E-lot.) They had a club there and we were going to get in. Being a hot 17 year old blond American helped a lot. One of the other girls from the trip came along too. She was also a trouble maker and loved the adventures Holly and I would take her on.

You couldn't get into the club unless you were a guest of the hotel. We listened to the people coming into the club give their names to get in. We waited then went to the desk with our fake names and room number and got in. Usually at clubs they have pretzels and popcorn on the bar but in Israel they have olives. Good ones too! The disco at Club Med wasn't for 17 year olds. The crowd was more like 21 and over.

A few Paratroopers came over to our table while we were stuffing our faces with olives and asked us to dance. We danced, had fun and left with them. They were about 25 years old and American.

The three of us girls went back to their room at some other hotel. It was in walking distance. The three Paratroopers and us sat around talking, listening to music and laughing. They asked us if we smoked weed. I don't but the other two girls did. The Paratroopers pulled out a huge bag and a big brick of hash. No one had rolling papers. One of the Paratroopers got a safty pin, broke off a huge chunk of hash, pierced it on the safty pin and lit it. The entire room was filled with smoke. We got high even if we didn't want to.

We stumbled back into our hotel room at who knows what hour.

That was one of my many Israel adventures.

Broken Glass

Growing up wasn't fun when you lived in the house with Alisa. She was mean. She was mean to me. She talked mean to me. Looked mean to me. Did mean things to me. I got over it and she did too.

One day she had a boy over. He was ugly. I didn't like him. My mom wasn't home and my mean sister was left in charge of me. She told me to go outside to get her something then she locked the door so I couldn't come back in. Meeny.

I went to the side door and knocked and knocked. She wouldn't let me in.

I went to the front door and knocked and knocked. She wouldn't let me in.

I saw her and the ugly boy sitting on the couch. I could see them plain as day through the front door window. They could see me. My sister and her ugly boyfriend sat on the couch and laughed at me banging on the door to get back in the house. She wasn't budging to open the door for me. I told her to come to the door. She came to the door. She put her face to the window and laughed some more. I banged so hard my hand went through the window and the glass broke and flew into her face. I stuck my hand through the broken glass and opened the door myself. There stood my sister bleeding from her face with glass shattered everywhere. Not too funny now, huh?

She got in trouble and I have anxiety attacks.

The Sick One

My husband, my sick little Briana and I laid in bed and watched TV last night. I fed Briana applesauce, jello and her pill. She lay there moaning, feverish and swollen. She fell asleep and the drooling started. All over my pillow and blanket. After 2 days of her sickness I didn't feel like standing over her and dabbing her mouth so her slobber wouldn't get on my fresh clean sheets and seep onto my pillow. I gave up.

I went downstairs, made my mom sleep on her couch and I took her bed. Briana is a kicker, blanket theif and now a drooler. I couldn't risk getting my toe kicked. Brandi offered her bed to me but her room is so messy I would never sleep. I dare not sleep in Briana's bed because her entire pillow is wet from drool. Dried up drool. Re-wettened drool. Her pillows need to be thrown away. My pillows need to be thrown away. The house needs to be aired out and Briana has to get better soon.

Say AHHHH

In the middle of the night Briana was standing next to my bed crying. I woke up and saw her standing there. She didn't want to wake me up so she thought by just standing there crying I would wake myself up.

Her throat hurt, she had a fever and her face was swollen. We took her to the hospital. They told her she just had a sore throat and sent us home.

This morning Briana was standing at my bedside crying again. I gave her medicine, tea, cold water, she gargled with salt water but nothing seemed to help. I took her to the doctor.

She has Strep Throat. Why the hospital didn't see it 3 hours earlier I have no clue. The hospital took a throat culture and said she didn't have it. Her doctor took a culture and in 3 seconds said she has it.

So, my totally bandaged toe that hurts like it's been ran over by tires with razor blades 53 times limped to the pharmacy to get her popcycles, antibiotics, Tylenol and a Slurpie. My pain comes second.

Right from my appointment I had to hobble to hers and to 2 stores and I just took my shoe off and my bandage is full of blood. I think I will sit down now and hope someone else can come home soon and take care of Briana.

She sleeps then wakes up crying because she has to stay home instead of playing in her volleyball tournament tomorrow. What a trooper!

This Little Piggy Went to the Market

I'm having a bit of trouble with my toe. I've had 3 ingrown toenails removed over the years. Twice on my left big toe and once on the right. Tomorrow I'm going to get the right one done again. I refuse to let them put that yuck yuck in my toe crevice so the nail won't grow anymore. I love flip-flops and pedicures way too much. Do you think a pedicure will be cheaper with only 9 toes? I don't even want to find out cuz I'm keeping my toenails right were they're supposed to be.

It's not going to be pretty that's why I've waited until the end of toeless shoe season. I'm no dummy.

This is a painful procedure. Even tho they inject your toe 4 times with a numbing serum you can still feel it. I'm no stranger with needles. Seems like my injections are never in nice places.

I get 2 monthly shots in my spine.
I get ear infections once a year (usually in January) the doctor has to give me a shot in my ear to put a tube in and then 3 months later another injection to take the tube out.
My toe shots. 4 of them.

Whatever happened to the days when you just got a shot in the butt and went on your merry way? I wish it was that easy cuz I have a ton of cushion on my butt but none in my spine, ear or toe.

I was just prepping for surgery tomorrow. Shaving my legs, removing my toenail polish and getting ready mentally for the pain.

How did I get ready mentally? I went out and bought myself a new purse. When the doctor hurts me I can hit him over the head with it.

Wish me luck! OUCH!!!!!!!!!!

Orgasmic Apple

Today Auntie Sharon, my mom and I had lunch together at Nordstroms. I didn't have my usual tuna sandwich. I tried a salad that my mom and aunt said was "SO good!" The shrimp was good but the salad...boring. But the company I was with made it outstanding!

After lunch we took a spin around the mall and my favorite auntie bought me a carmel apple. This wasn't just your everyday carmel apple this was a $7.00 carmel apple. One bite was all it took. From the tips of my teeth down to the tips of my toes tingled. The carmel was SO GOOD! It was the best darn apple I've ever had in my entire life. I think they put the apple on the plane from Fuji, strapped it in the seat and sent it first class to me. The juice was pure apple. The carmel was hand churned from the finest butter and sugar straight from the cane in Africa. They should have served this apple on a gold plated diamond studded fine piece of China. The Smithsonian only wished it could showcase the likes of this golden treasure.

Amazing!

I forgot the name of the place but for $7.00 they will never see me again. I don't think I will ever in life enjoy a carmel apple this much again.

Thanks to Auntie Sharon for giving me a memory I shall never forget.

I Have SO Many Questions.

Are these real? How does she stand up? Do they make bra's big enough? If anyone knows this person would you please forward her number to me? I have a ton of questions for her.

Out of all the nasty e-mails I've gotten...this has to be the worst. How much does each boob weigh? Are the bruises on her legs from her boobies hitting them when she walks? Are the veins really big enough to get blood flowing to the other parts of her body?

A picture of a naked woman should be beautiful. I find no beauty in this. I doubt you'll never see this in a museum or art gallery. Are there men that actually like this? Are the nipples the size of a can of green beans or am I under exagerating?

Toledo

I just got back from a rip roarin' good time in Toledo. I jumped in the car on Sunday night and by my lonesome drove to Toledo. I hear you asking "why Toledo?" My answer is "Obama was there."

I got a room and layed back and relaxed. The room was totally gross. I should have known by the filthy elevator and the desk clerk's bad attitude but I had no other choice. Since I know nothing about Toledo and where the decent hotels are I had to rest my head at this dump. Obama was in the dump's conference center so this was the easiest place for me to stay.

I woke up at 6 a.m. tied up my gym shoes and pounded the pavement for 8 hours pushing my Obama pins.

I learned a lot about people in Toledo. The ones that attend Obama Rallys are cheap and rude. The police are very nice and the store owners are sweet as pie but the people in general were SO rude. I would be too if I lived in Toledo. There is nothing there. The entire city of Toledo was closed by 5 p.m. Sunday night and the only person I saw to ask any questions was little miss attitude desk clerk and two little girls peddling free "Homes for Rent" magazines for $1.00 - from a suitcase.

I witnessed 2 guys get tazered, the police jump into a lady's mini van and drive it down the street while the lady was at the ATM. I got searched by a male cop (he didn't touch me) but asked me to lift my shirt up to my rib cage. I told him I haven't seen or knew I had a rib cage since 1982. Security was so tight at this rally. Obama talked and the people flew out of the convention center like roaches when you turn the light on. That's when these cheap MF's started buying stuff.

I made a nice amount of money after all and drove home happy I don't live in Toledo.

Could it Get Worst?

We met at Friday's when I was around 23 years old. He was so cute! He asked for my phone number. I couldn't write it down fast enough. He called me that night. We talked for hours. He asked me out for the next night. The entire next day I prepped for that evening. He parked in front of my house, came to the door and asked if I was ready to go. Was I ready?!?! I needed 3 more days to prep for this guy. He was that good looking! As we exited I looked at the car he was driving. A old one. DAMN! I wasn't too happy. (It was a classic 1968 GTO what did I know about classic cars?) Shiny from the rims to the roof. He must have spent the day waxing and polishing his baby up. I wasn't too happy to get in his car since it was old. I offered to drive my car (a newer Honda) because I didn't know if his old car would get us to where we were going. LMAO! He then told me the story of his car and how he had it brought here from Florida and it's never seen a winter blah blah blah old car this and classic car that....he drove.

We went to Greektown for dinner and then to the race strip on French Road so he could show off his beauty (me and the car) and race the strip to show off. It was kinda fun. All of his friends were there with their classic cars and dates. We didn't end up being in the race because I didn't feel like going to the hospital that night. Around 2 a.m. we got back to my house. We talked in the car for awhile then I asked him in. We watched TV and I was getting really tired. I layed on the floor of the living room on my stomach and he layed his head on my back. He wouldn't leave and I didn't want to ask him to go. We had such a nice time together I hated to see the night end.

I fell asleep. I farted. The fart woke me up. I died. I looked at him and prayed he was sleeping too but no such luck. He looked at me and said "I guess we're going to be together forever now." We dated for 4 years.

Excuse Me, Are You Going to be Drinking That?

I was at the casino last night. I saw something that made me throw up a little.

They don't let the homeless in because they beg for money, cigarettes, and stand over you watching you play which makes your gambling experience kinda not fun.

I have no idea how this guy got in. He was there sucking on the ice cubes of anything that looked like an alcoholic drink and picking cigarette butts out of the ashtray. He was picky about the butts he would take. He only took the ones that had at least 3 puffs left and he would put them in his pocket. He wasn't so picky about the drinks. He would slurp on any ice cube he could find.

I don't know if this guy was hungry or not. He must have been very thirsty! I'm more than sure the casino throws out a ton of food. If he is willing to drink out of anybody's glass I can bet he would eat anything off of anybody's plate. I wonder why they don't just save all of the leftovers and feed the homeless.

I think I'll write them a letter and ask.

Hey Anonymous!

"People are not dumb...you may be though..."

Whomever wrote that come forward and let yourself be known. You know what they say about people that write mean letters and send them anonymously don't you? Since you're ignorant let me school you a bit.

Chickens and pussies hide behind paper, computers and phone calls because they aren't man or woman enough to tell someone to their face what they really feel.

So, which one are you? A chicken a pussy or both? Didn't your mommy give you enough attention when you were young? Got beat up alot in school? Closet homo? Raped, beaten or talked down to your whole entire life?

My blog is for people that have positive comments or something funny to say. I may be dumb but if I have something to say...YOU better believe I will tell you or anyone else to their face. If ya know me...you'll understand. If you don't know me...come forth and let me tell ya a little something.

I'm not mad, angry or hurt. I feel sorry for you. That's my way of thinking. If someone is negitive it means something is wrong with them and they have to make other people feel just as bad as them. Misery loves company. I'm sorry you feel that way about me.

Can someone pray for this ignorant ass loser?

Jingle Jingle (not the Christmas kind)

I went to the casino today and heard a noise I haven't heard in many many years. Ya know how you hear something and it triggers a memory?

My mom used to wear a charm bracelet. This wasn't your regular ole charm bracelet it was a gold bracelet with huge charms all over it. She only wore it on very special occasions. It made a distinctive noise when she would move her hand and I heard it today. I looked around expecting my mom to be there wearing the bracelet but she wasn't there. She doesn't even have the bracelet anymore. Someone broke into our house and took a few charms.

I told my mom I heard her charm bracelet jingling today. She misses that bracelet. My dad bought it for her for $50.00 and each charm meant something. Today that bracelet would be worth a pretty penny.

I have the bracelet in my drawer minus the charms. I hate gold jewelery but I think I'll put it on anyway because it brings back fond memories of dressing up all fancy and going somewhere cool.

People are SO DUMB!

Remember I told you that I cleaned out my closet? Well, there was a ton of things I didn't want anymore. I bagged it up and put an ad on Craigslist.

The ad read:

[Title] Plus Size Women's Clothing sz 16-20 + 2 pair of boots.

[AD] Lots of nice and very gently worn clothing. I have a stuffed black garbage bag full plus 2 pairs of black boots. One pair is knee high suede - the other pair are ankle high leather. Priorty given to the person that can pick up soon. Tonight is garbage night and I hate to throw these great clothes away. No questions, take the entire bag and please show up if you say you will. 14/Northwestern area. Please be able to use Mapquest. Thanks!

Easy right? I came home and checked my e-mail and had over 50 replies. I opened every single e-mail to see who would need the clothes the most. 48 of the e-mails had a question when I specifically said "NO QUESTIONS." One lady asked "where are you located?" The posting said 14/Northwestern area. I deleted all of the e-mails and gave the clothes to one woman that said "I am starting a new job and cannot afford to buy new clothes. I live by the zoo. I can throw my kids in the car and be right over. I don't care what size the boots are because I'm desperate."

I put the clothes on the porch for her to pick up. If I see one article of my clothing on Ebay I'm knocking on all the doors by the zoo and kicking some ass.

The Person Next Door

The guy next door is a playboy. He used to be married but his wife left him and moved to Texas less than a year ago. The second her last suitcase was packed in the car - the other girl started coming over and spending the night.

Mr. Next Door (can't say his name) started having parties until wee hours of the morning. Music loud, his friends drinking and laughing and the girls giggling like teenagers. After awhile I started to mind because his bonfires would start to stink and blow through my windows. I didn't say anything to him.

Mr. Next Door began to take a real interest in his lawn and with that he would leave his tree trimmings, grass clippings and refuse bags around and it would all blow to my house. Again...I didn't say anything.

Mr. Next Door borrowed my large dog crate and finally returned it because the wife took the dog. The crate came back with the floor chewed up. He offered to buy a new one. I didn't need a new one. He bought it anyway.

I guess it was his last party of the year. He had them every weekend. I don't know why he had to host all the time but they were there and the music was blasting. It was 3 a.m. and I looked out my bedroom window. My window looks out to his yard. I saw his new girlfriend giving him a blow job, outside, bonfire light showing him sitting with his head back on a lounge chair and her going to town.

Yesterday, I saw her moving her things into his house.

IKEA and Meatballs

Who doesn't love a shopping trip to IKEA? Everyone and they momma love to go there for a day of fun, shopping and eating meatballs. Trying to manuver those carts with the wheels that go every which way but straight, the smell of the cinnamon rolls, the bargain room and the greatest part...the items they sell. Oh it's true...you have to drive around the parking lot and use $7.50 in gas trying to find a parking space and trying to purchase something and wait in the long long long lines is a little nerve wracking and the fact you have to pay for a bag to carry your stuff out in...it's still fun and it usually takes hours to get through the whole store. I usually get lost in that place. I hear many people do.

My husband and I would take the train to Toronto, rent a car and drive to IKEA since Canadian money back then was worth a whole lot more than it is today. We would make a nice weekend of it. Shopping for 40% off the already reasonable prices. We felt like we were getting a steal.

When I would go to Chicago to visit my sister I would always make her take me to IKEA in Oakbrook and she would say "did you come to see me or shop at IKEA?"

Now, IKEA is about 30 minutes away from my house and I've been there 2 times in 3 years. The thing is...IKEA stuff lasts forever. I can't get rid of it. I can't go there to buy more stuff. The stuff I have from there is perfectly fine. It won't get old and it won't break. Everything I've bought from there 10 years ago is still in style and still very functionable. The towels won't snag. The drinking glasses won't break. Even the damn light bulb in the lamp I bought in 1999 won't burn out. The plant I bought from there is thriving. I need a reason to go there and buy stuff since it's so close but I have no reason.

I guess I could just stop in for some meatballs and a picture or two.

Just a Little Gross

Today I cleaned out my clothes closet. It took me all day. I folded up all the summer clothes and put them in storage and out came the winter clothes. While looking through my last years items I came across a bunch of purses. Some I haven't used in years. I thought I should just throw them out. I was digging through about 10 purses seeing what I left behind from years ago.

I found a reciept from 2003 in one of them and in the little side zipper compartment I found 6 pieces of gum balls all individually wrapped. YUM! I haven't been able to find this gum in years. It's called Tongue Splashers and I would buy them at Sam's Club in a huge container.

I was so happy to see the red and purple gum from 2003 and popped a gum ball in my mouth. After I cracked 3 teeth and broke my jaw I'm still chewing and it's pretty darn good. I'm going to save the other 5 pieces for a special occasion.

Yummy Salads

For anyone interested here is a list of my favorite salads.

#1 favorite: Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup has an AWESOME Maurice Salad.

#2 favorite: Pei Wei Asian Diner has a great Chopped Asian Chicken Salad.

#3 favorite: Macy's Maurice Salad with a popover...yum!

#4 favorite: Sahara greek salad with that AMAZING dressing (extra feta)

#5 favorite: Leo's Coney Island chopped greek salad

#6 favorite: J. Alexander's Alex salad.

My Auntie Sharon loves the Shrimp Louie salad at Nordstroms. I hope she e-mails me to join her for lunch one day. HINT HINT!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Give a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Bebe!

He's 5 years old today!

We still say he's 3 because he's still a little cutie and we refuse to let him grow up.

He celebrated with an apple torte and a bath.

Yeah! Sure!

My entire mailbox was filled to the top with post cards from people that want me to vote for them.

As soon as I open the mailbox I take all of the political mailings and toss them straight into the trash. If you read one...you've read them all.

Can someone explain this to me? I thought being a citizen of the USA entitles us to freedom of speech and freedom of expression. Why can't I wear my Obama shirt and pins on election day to the polls? Am I that much of an influence on people? If McCain and I were at the polls at the same time and I was wearing my Obama shirt would he change his mind? Would die hard Republics change their minds just by seeing others wear Democratic paraphernalia? I highly doubt it.

I can stand 50 feet from any door of any polling location without a problem. If I'm not going to vote I can go in the actual voting room and just stand there but if I'm going to vote I have to wear a plain ole shirt?

It makes no sense. I don't like it.

Old Friends

When boys were "ewwwy gross" I had a boy friend. He was cool. He was fun.

He wasn't my "Boyfriend." Just a friend that was a boy and I hung out with him all day yesterday. His name is Brian Silverman. We spent 4 hours in the car driving to an Obama Rally together. We drove to East Lansing then to Saginaw then almost to Clinton Township but it started raining. We had a wonderful time together. We talked and talked like we haven't seen each other in 25 years. Maybe it's because we haven't seen each other in 25 years. He looks GREAT! Tall, buff, bald (by choice), slightly unshaven, and tattooed from his head down to...oh I don't know how far down his tattoos go...I told you he was just my friend.

He's a very positive person. Not complaining once. Listening to everything I had to say which a good friend always does. He's been here and there. Working at jobs he liked. Traveling and meeting people. He has a lot to say. Lots of wisdom to share. He's funny and has a great personality.

During our long car ride he taught me some very vital information. It's too long to post on here plus...it's none of your business. I can say that our car ride has made me a better more positive person.

He asked about everyone that grew up on the block and wants to get in touch with you. If you're interested contact him. He would love to hear from you.

Onebreathhold@gmail.com

Funny Joke

A retired gentlemen went into the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Wishy Washy

We just got our new washer and dryer. They are a pair of front loading nightmares. To tell you the truth...I want my old 1990's model back.

First of all the user's guide is 71 pages long. That should have been a clue right there.

Our old top loading machines were fine but we wanted something bigger and more modern.

We grabbed the HE detergent and dashed to the laundry room the second the installation guys hit the door. We loaded up the washer and tried to figure out all of the buttons that sing to you when you push them. We had no idea what we were doing but too excited to read that novel called the User's Guide. At first nothing happened then we heard a little water...while we all stood around waiting to see our clothes get all soapy and wet nothing happened except the drum kept going back and forth. Nothing elaborate was happening. We waited and waited. Nothing.

I ran upstairs and called LG and told the operator that my clothes were just going round and round. They didn't look wet and I didn't see any suds.

She told me "your clothes are taking a shower not a bath." I said "OHH that's so fancy!"

The machine had done it's work. I took the clothes out to inspect the job. Not any cleaner than the old machine and a lot slower. My old washing machine and dryer was faster and looked like it was really working to get my clothes clean. This new model...not too impressive. I will get Carpal Tunnel from pushing all of the buttons and turning the dials.

Does anyone know where I can get the books on tape or DVD of an LG user's guide?

The Gap

My friend Ann and I went to Michigan City to go shopping at their outlet mall. I'm guessing Michigan City has plenty of Amish people because there are horse hitches. I've never seen them actually hitch a horse and go shopping but plenty of Amish I did see.

All of the women look exactly alike. All of the men look the same too. If I were Amish I would be wearing a rhinestone Amish hat and my long sheet dress would have decorative feathers all over it. My Amish vest would be done in purple and pink sequins. But that's me...back to them.

We were shopping and went into The Gap which is just called "Gap" now. There was a table of thong underwear in the middle of the floor. They were on sale. Gathered around the table were about 6 Amish women laughing their Amish heads off with their hands covering their mouths...were Amish women not allowed to laugh or look at thongs? I had no idea. While Ann and I were laughing at them laughing at the thongs-one of the Amish women picked one up and her white pasty face turned red and all of her sisters or friends were cracking up.

I wonder if under their drape dresses they wear crotchless underwear and pasties. Next time I run into one...I'm gonna ask.